Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Jury selection begins Monday in federal court for Sean Dunn, a former DOJ paralegal accused of throwing a Subway sandwich at a federal agent during the District’s “please stop doing that” surge. Court calendars list “United States v. Sandwich Trajectory,” informally known as “Dunn.”
Choose your weapon wisely… (birchphotographer/depositphotos)
The Court will rule on the novel question of whether government officials are susceptible to bread-based attacks. The question isn’t the size of the sub; it’s whether it was aimed with intent. Also, whether it was “toasted” in the legal sense, which will be explained to jurors using charts and a sneeze guard.
The DOJ originally tried to get Dunn’s sandwich toss classified as felony assault, but the felony charge didn’t survive the grand jury, which declined to indict the closest thing to a literal ham sandwich a grand jury is ever likely to see. U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro promptly refiled as a misdemeanor, confirming what legal scholars call the “bologna doctrine,” where the follow-up charge is thinner, malformed, but still salty.
Prosecutors and defense spent the week debating jury instructions. At issue is whether misdemeanor assault requires physical contact or merely visible enthusiasm. Prosecutors say forceful tossing counts; the defense and your mom say without touching, it’s just flirting. Expert testimony is expected to include a guy who aggressively flings bread at ducks on the Potomac.
Dunn’s team says he offered to surrender; instead, a SWAT team arrived with the subtlety of a drunk youth minister in a children’s choir loft. Dunn says the case is vindictive. The Attorney General labeled him “Deep State” on X, and took the unusual step of posting a video advising Dunn where to “stick” the sandwich, but more objectively vulgar and literal.
Deep State? Maybe an example of Deep Steak, but we wouldn't recommend trying that at Subway. (x.com)
In his butt, in case that wasn’t clear. Haha butt.
If convicted, Dunn faces a penalty commensurate with the force, trajectory, and lunchmeat density involved. The Court will issue guidance on whether future sandwiches must be Mirandized before being hurled. “You have the right to remain wrapped; anything you drip on your clean shirt can and will be used against you.”
Either way, the opinion will enter the books between United States v. Bag of Flour and District of Columbia v. Unicycle With Feelings. Implementation will begin once a subcommittee defines “footlong” using a ruler that the city swears, in a thou-dost-protest-too-much manner, is not actually aspirational.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
