Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In what legal scholars are already calling “an absolute footlong of a failure,” the Department of Justice this week failed to secure an indictment against Sean Dunn, a man who reportedly weaponized a sandwich in the nation’s capital with a tactical breadstrike that has since earned him near-mythical status on D.C. lamp posts, protest stickers, and one wildly inaccurate Banksy knockoff.
Sandwich Guy, looking way cooler as a Banksy than he did in the moment. (Washington Post/x)
The sandwich in question, believed to be turkey-based but spiritually pastrami, was flung at a federal agent during Trump’s brief experiment with “Weekend at Berlusconi’s” in Washington, D.C. Sources say the agent was unharmed, except emotionally, because it was on whole wheat.
Dunn, 37, formerly of the DOJ himself, was apparently inspired to lunch-launch his grievances during a street protest. Witnesses say he shouted, “F*** you! You f****** fascists!” before going full PaneraBall Z. Prosecutors say the move was uncalled for. Protesters say it was lightly toasted.
Jeanine Pirro, local U.S. Attorney and vodka sommelier emeritus, called it a “serious crime,” echoing the traditional prosecutorial instinct to pursue sandwich-flingers with the full force of the law while simultaneously offering Jan. 6 insurrectionists group rates on presidential pardons.
“We cannot have people out here using carbs as projectiles,” Pirro said during a press conference held between sips of Franzia straight out of the box. “Our law enforcement officers have enough on their plates. Stop laughing.”
Legal experts believe Pirro’s case fell apart when the grand jury remembered that Trump once launched literal tanks into D.C. but failed to hit a single protester. Or a single pothole, which D.C. residents agree is more surprising. This marks at least the third time a local jury has looked at a protest-related “assault on federal agents” case and responded with the legal equivalent of “nah fam.”
Assembling the weapon of mayonnaise destruction. (sid-vladimir69/depositphotos)
While Dunn’s lawyer declined to comment, likely because he can’t stop giggling about this whole thing, Dunn has become a sort of folk hero among locals. Meanwhile, posters of the Sandwich Yeeter have been plastered across D.C., depicting him as a cross between Che Guevara and Subway’s Jared, but without the sex crimes. In one version, the sandwich is shown clocking Trump adviser Stephen Miller in the jaw.
Sources close to Miller, who were not asked this question, for some reason confirmed Miller only eats mayonnaise, but not like, “with food.” Just… mayonnaise.
As for the DOJ, they’re considering re-indicting Dunn, presumably after they figure out how to prosecute gluten. Until then, the people of D.C. will continue to celebrate their hero, who dared to face down tyranny with nothing but a sandwich and his giant clanking brass balls.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
