Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Of all the places for something out of the ordinary involving alcohol or drugs to happen, it sure seems like the majority of those mishaps take place in Florida. Are they just better at reporting madcap antics, or do unhinged people just gravitate towards the state? We may never know the answer to that question. However, if someone were to ask you, “In what state did a drug dealer get hit by a flying bag of cocaine just before getting arrested?” you’d probably guess the Sunshine State, and in this case, you’d be 100% correct.
After getting hit by drugs, he also got hit with charges. (VolusiaSheriff/Facebook)
This all went down in Daytona Beach, where the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office was observing an alleged drug dealer who had apparently, well, dealt some drugs. Perhaps the recipient of said drugs had buyer’s remorse, deciding that cocaine is an expensive habit that could kill you, and that maybe they wanted some sleep instead of talking about the best Tarantino film with other idiots for eight hours. Or maybe it was the fact that a few cop cars pulled up. Either way, aerial footage shows several large bags of cocaine hitting the drug dealer as the cops surrounded him.
“Not mine, coppers,” we’re imagining the alleged dealer said. “I was just walking down the street, and someone threw drugs at me. It happens all the time. One time, someone threw an Ozempic needle at me, and I lost 150 pounds. This is exactly like that. And also like that one time I was driving home, and someone threw 6-8 beers at my car. I have the worst luck, especially since I’m allergic to cocaine!”
At any rate, whatever he said, it didn’t work, because not only was he arrested, but the drug-thrower was as well. “Drug dealer Bobby Johnson was hit by a flying bag of cocaine as customer Charlie Damon suddenly decided to return his purchase,” the Sheriff’s Office said on Facebook. As Johnson and Damon were being arrested, a third man ran from Johnson’s house, probably spooked after seeing that cocaine had learned to fly just like the cockroaches down there. “Oh no, not palmetto coke!” the third man screamed as he took off from the house. All three men were arrested after a bunch of sedentary cocaine was found in the house, along with assorted other drugs, a handgun, and $10k in cash. Another cautionary tale of Florida Man is in the books, and we’re sure no one in the state will do anything dumb involving drugs or alcohol again.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
