Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LAGO VISTA, Texas — You know the feeling, you’re just trying to exist and express yourself in a way that makes everyone realize you’re an individual, and not one of the sheep – you’re a deer. Then suddenly everyone’s pointing at you and laughing, and you can’t go anywhere without anyone taking notice, just because of your style.
"You're not my real stag!" (Lago Vista Police Department/Facebook)
Such is the life for a Texas deer that happened to get a hammock tangled in his antlers, and the statement he’s making is, “Help, I’ve got a hammock tangled in my antlers.” The Police Department in Lago Vista helped start a trend by stating that he’s “fully embraced his emo era,” and now he’s perhaps the most misunderstood stag in town.
According to the PD, they’ve received numerous calls about the deer. Many of them were probably to see if he could join their band, and others to accuse the deer of stealing either their hairstyle or their hammock. The good news for the deer is that he’s in no imminent danger, as male deer shed their antlers before the end of the winter, so he’ll lose his swoopy hairstyle along with his antlers. The bad news for him is that he just wants to be left alone, and that’s not going to happen as long as he has tree furniture wrapped around him.
It turns out the deer isn’t even all that into emo. “Sure, I like some emo, but I’m more of a fan of the first wave,” he told Odd News. “What deer doesn’t like Rites of Spring? I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the super popular stuff, like Jimmy Eat Plants, Saves The Doe, and My Venison Romance, though. I feel like the scene sold itself out, just like everyone’s saying about me, purely because of what I’ve got in my antlers. Not sure why it’s such a hot topic lately. Really, I’m more of a hip-hop fan. This rabbit, I know, got me really into it.”
Some Plants Eat Jimmy. (Courtesy: Warner Brothers)
The deer plans on keeping his new headwear. “Halloween’s around the corner, and now I don’t even need a costume,” he said. “I’m an emo kid. All I have to do is cry a little and slam a door or two. And it’s getting cold out, so as long as I have antlers, I’ll have an antler blanket. I’d like to see anyone else in the forest pull that off. But actually, can anyone in the forest pull it off? It’s actually starting to get a little annoying.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
