Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Empathy has been officially declared unholy by America’s most powerful coalition of podcasters, TikTok theologians, and beard-having guys who definitely peaked during youth group lock-ins.
That's one way to anger the evangelicals! (Flydragonfly/depositphotos)
Leading the charge is Allie Beth Stuckey, host of “Relatable,” which is a podcast for people who think empathy is Marxist and yoga pants are a slippery slope to hell. Her book, “Toxic Empathy”, warns readers that feeling bad for other people may lead you to do something horrific, like help them. Stukey insists that caring about other people is a gateway drug that leads directly to socialism, pronouns, and the dangerous act of acknowledging immigrants as human beings.
Joining her in the crusade against decency is Joe Rigney, a professor/pastor/possible Lego mini-figure who penned “The Sin of Empathy”, a gripping read for anyone who thinks Jesus healed the blind but only after checking their voter registration.
Their basic argument? Empathy has been hijacked by the left to promote vile acts like respecting pronouns, supporting immigrants, and not being a complete a-hole to people different from you. You know, things that Jesus actually told people to do.
“Look, I’m not against compassion,” says Rigney, “as long as it’s applied conservatively and never on a Tuesday.”
Stuckey and Rigney both stress that they’re not monsters. They just believe empathy should be reserved for the correct order of love, a concept called ordo amoris, where your family is most important, then your friends, then strangers, and finally… never immigrants. Jesus definitely said that somewhere, probably in “Book of Chad,” Chapter 4.
The movement gained momentum in Trump’s second term, when Elon Musk, fresh off making flamethrowers and collapsing Twitter, declared on Joe Rogan’s podcast that “the fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.” Musk then coughed into his vape pen and admitted that the Mars colonists will be “100% empathy-free, just vibes and crypto.”
Even Vice President J.D. Vance weighed in, explaining that “ordo amoris” means love should be ranked like baseball cards: family first, the world last, and empathy for immigrants somewhere behind “that kid who stole my pudding cup in fifth grade.” The Vatican promptly responded with a letter that just said “bruh.”
"Jesus never said these exact words, so it can't be true!" – some crazed evangelical. (hannatv/depositphotos)
Stuckey claims her empathy detox started in 2020, when she saw fellow Christians posting things like “Black Lives Matter” and “stop being racist.” Horrified, she responded the only way one can in such moments: by starting a podcast and selling merch.
Of course, not everyone is on board. Historian Susan Lanzoni points out that Jesus’ entire shtick was literally empathy: washing feet, feeding the hungry, and occasionally resurrecting dead friends just to spare their sisters the grief.
Meanwhile, Hallmark announced it will stop producing “empathy cards” and instead rebrand them as “sympathy-ish rectangles.” Early prototypes include such sentiments as “Sorry for your loss (but don’t make it weird)” and “I acknowledge your existence, but biblically.”
One Manhattan church posted a sign that read: “If empathy is a sin, sin boldly.” The sign has gone viral, mostly because it confused thousands of Lutheran ex-boyfriends who thought it was about sex.
Jesus, when reached for comment, responded: “I literally said love thy neighbor, you guys. WTH.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
