Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
PAINTSVILLE, Ky. — A Tomahawk-area man was arrested Friday after allegedly driving away in his ex-girlfriend’s car while she was upstairs at Pikeville Medical Center waiting to give birth to their child, in what authorities are calling a pretty clear preview of how well the future custody arrangement is going to go.
Heroes don't steal pregnant exes' cars. (Pikeville Medical Center/facebook)
Christopher Moillette, 37, arrived at the hospital on Jan. 2 with his ex-girlfriend in active labor. He reportedly told staff as they ushered her into the hospital that he wanted to be present for this meaningful moment. Approximately nine minutes later, security footage captured him sliding from the passenger seat into the driver’s seat of the victim’s vehicle and departing the premises at a speed witnesses described as “highly motivated.”
Hospital visitation policies had required Moillette to wait in the car rather than accompany the mother to her room, a restriction he apparently interpreted as a suggestion to go ahead and take the whole vehicle. The footage shows him sitting in the passenger seat for several minutes before making what investigators are calling “a bad life choice.”
When the victim managed to call Moillette from her hospital bed he allegedly informed her that it was “none of her business where her vehicle was.” He then hung up, in a move that legal experts say may come up again during custody mediation.
Moillette was located and arrested the following day in Paintsville, some 30 miles from where he’d left the mother of his child on her own to figure out home transportation from the maternity ward with her newborn child. He has been charged with receiving stolen property and theft by unlawful taking, both valued between $1,000 and $10,000, which does not account for the emotional damages that will be incurred when explaining this story to his kid someday.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
