Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Fort Collins, Colorado: formerly known for breweries, bikes, and that one guy who always plays bongos at the farmers market, has a new claim to fame: its garden rabbits are sprouting what appears to be Cthulhu starter beards.
The Stanley Cup playoffs are over, but he still won't shave that beard. (Reddit)
Local resident and now-accidental cult witness Susan Mansfield described seeing a “rabbit with black quills or tiny summoning spikes sticking out all around.” Initially assuming it was a Hot Wheels-themed Chia Pet or a teen’s cursed Furby project, Susan was horrified to discover it returned each spring. Bigger. Spikier. Louder. “It grew,” she muttered, eyes darting toward her vegetable garden, where the rabbit had arranged her carrots into a pentagram.
Experts say the rabbits are suffering from a completely real and totally not the first stage of an Old God resurrection, known as the Shope papilloma virus: a delightful little parasite spread by mosquitoes, ticks, and apparently unspeakable cosmic whispers carried on the wind.
The disease causes red lesions that develop into horn-like growths around the face and head. While scientists call them keratinized papillomas, the rest of us call them “I ain’t mowing the yard if that thing’s out there again.”
Reddit threads began circulating photos of these “zombie bunnies,” but no one could agree if they were cursed, molting, or just evolving past us into their final forms. The rabbits, for their part, responded by standing eerily still while facing east during the equinox, which is not comforting.
Ugh, tentacles are SO 2023, such a faux pas. (Reddit)
The Colorado Parks and Wildlife Department, whose job is mostly to keep nature from turning into a boss battle, has advised the public to “not touch the rabbits”, which ranks just below “don’t read the glowing runes aloud” and “don’t stand in fire” on the list of Things You Should Already Know.
They also clarified that the virus isn’t harmful to humans (yet) but may be dangerous to pet rabbits, so maybe keep Flopsy indoors unless you want her joining a necrotic lagomorph cult.
One official noted, “This is not cause for alarm,” before being pulled into a bush by something writhing and fuzzy, shouting, “Tell the antlers I’m not ready!”
Veterinarians suggest vaccination for domestic rabbits, though it’s unclear if that helps once your rabbit begins hissing in Latin and refusing to eat anything but nightmares and poor decisions.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are rampant: Some claim the rabbits are government experiments gone wrong. Others say they’re a marketing stunt for the next season of The Last of Us: Bunpocalypse. And one local named Todd insists they’re just “furry land squids trying to unionize.”
Don't say we weren't warned. (Aardman Animations)
Whatever the truth, experts agree: do NOT give them names. That’s how you get attached. That’s how you end up trying to defend “Sir Snuffles the Ravenous” in a holy war against the squirrels.
And remember: if you see one in your yard standing perfectly still and whispering the word “Tekeli-li” into the wind?
Run.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
