Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BRUSSELS — Belgian authorities are investigating the weekend disappearance of an infant Jesus figure from a Grand Place nativity scene, a crime complicated by the fact that roughly 4 million people had publicly wished for exactly this outcome.
The cloth figure vanished sometime between late Friday and early Saturday from artist Victoria-Maria Geyer’s installation, which had achieved the rare distinction of uniting Belgium’s fractured political landscape in a shared theological trainwreck. Geyer, a self-described devout Catholic, crafted the nativity figures from soft fabrics without eyes, noses, or mouths, explaining that she wanted Catholics from Japan to Namibia to see themselves in the work. However, apparently, most Catholics prefer their savior to have a face.
Who doesn't love a good Christmas horror movie??? (visegrad24/x)
The artist insisted that the absence of features would allow universal identification with the holy family, a claim observers noted is technically accurate if the universe in question is the same one in which Silent Hill takes place.
Georges-Louis Bouchez, head of the center-right MR party, posted on X that Geyer’s cloth Christ “in no way represents the spirit of Christmas,” comparing the figures to “zombie-like” people found at train stations. He did not specify which train stations, or whether their zombie populations are also crafted from cloth, which could mark the first time Belgium’s Christmas debate has required clarification about the textile content of the undead. Bouchez also did not clarify if the issue was specifically theological train station zombies or if he was just taking shots at the homeless at Christmastime because he’s an a**hole. As Jesus would have wanted, presumably.
Both the Catholic church and the Brussels city government approved Geyer’s design through what Romanus called their established selection process, which evidently does not include a “show it to literally anyone else first” phase. Delphine Romanus, deputy director of Brussels Major Events, confirmed that in past years, baby Jesus figurines have been stolen or broken, suggesting either a pattern of religious persecution or a pattern of inebriated people stealing whatever isn’t nailed down and using it to create makeshift hats for the drunken walk home.
Early reports that the infant had been beheaded proved false, which Romanus announced with what observers described as unearned optimism given the figure’s existing condition. Authorities have already replaced the missing Jesus with an identical cloth figure, raising philosophical questions about whether this constitutes a resurrection or just run-of-the-mill secular inventory management. The new Jesus stares at visitors with the same absent expression as his predecessor, which is to say he doesn’t stare at all, which is somehow worse.
The installation sparked immediate online backlash before settling into resigned acceptance, which is stage five of the “five stages of encountering things you can’t unsee”. Original posts featured words like “abomination” and “why,” while current responses lean toward “I guess this is fine” and “at least it’s not on fire.” Brussels resident Francis De Laveleye told reporters that “arguments of artistic merit should never descend into such a sordid affair,” apparently unaware that the affair began when someone gave Baby Jesus the Slenderman treatment.
The nativity remains in its accessible white tent, guarded by the same nothing that failed to guard it before, surrounded by holiday market crowds fueled by alcohol and presumably strong feelings about facial features. Romanus said organizers would “keep a closer eye” on the scene, a promise that sounds more reassuring until you remember organizers supposedly had eyes on it when it got stolen the first time.
When reached for comment, the Vatican said they were “aware of the situation” and “monitoring developments,” which is Vatican-speak for “we’re staying out of this one.”
The investigation continues. Police describe the suspect as between zero and 4 million people.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
