Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LONDON-ISH — Football fans across the UK are urging intergalactic space warrior Count Binface to launch a bid for the FIFA presidency, a job currently held by Gianni Infantino’s forehead and, to a lesser extent, Gianni Infantino.
Even his fictional backstory feels more believable than most FIFA press releases. (Count Binface)
The groundswell began after the 2026 World Cup final when the Count was asked whether he’d fancy managing England and replied that no, if he took a second job, “I think I’d more have my eye on the FIFA presidency.”
His entire platform so far consists of one policy: banning broadcasters from cutting to Infantino’s face during matches. Experts note this proposal is already more coherent than FIFA’s last three strategic plans combined.
Skeptics point out that Binface has never actually won an election, having lost to Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak, and two separate London mayors. Also, he’s wearing a garbage can on his head.
The Count’s football credentials run deep. On facing Lionel Messi, he warned: “You must do it alone. I can be of no assistance. He’s more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” On FIFA’s bloated halftime shows: “You’ve got 25 minutes to go and make a cup of tea, do something a bit different, talk to your family maybe,” which incidentally is also FIFA’s official concussion protocol. And on England’s tactics in the final, he delivered the cruelest analysis of the tournament, calling it “a sort of Keir Starmer performance.”
Infantino, who once told reporters “Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African,” could not be reached for comment, presumably because today he feels unavailable.
The next FIFA election is scheduled for whenever Infantino decides he’s allowed to have one. Vote early, vote often, vote Binface.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
