Next week: why gravity might be optional.
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
These smiling little capsules are now being studied by the best of the best. Wait, sorry, I meant "complete morons". ( djedzura/depositphotos)
In a bold new strategy to modernize medicine and completely unhinge reality, the FDA has decided to replace its longstanding, evidence-based advisory panels with “vibe-based” experts sourced primarily from YouTube, Facebook comment threads, and Brent’s cousin Trina, who once smelled something weird after using baby powder.
Instead of going with boring, credentialed scientists with “research” and “peer-reviewed studies,” FDA Commissioner Marty Makary said he prefers to “feel the science in his gut, like when you’ve had too much Taco Bell.”
Makary’s new crack squad of Totally Legit Science™ kicked things off by examining talc, which has been accused in roughly 300,000 lawsuits of being evil incarnate. Despite zero credible studies linking talc to cancer or the soul of Rasputin, as one panelist alleged, two of the experts had previously testified in court that talcum powder is more dangerous than plutonium.
Then came the antidepressant session, where experts speculated that Zoloft may cause autism, depression, miscarriage, and communism. One panelist claimed antidepressants were behind school shootings, another blamed them for raccoons in her attic. The only evidence presented was a fuzzy JPEG of a mouse looking sad.
Out of 9 panelists, 8 agreed antidepressants need the strongest warning label the FDA can slap on, which, as of next week, may just be a skull and crossbones drawn in crayon. The lone dissenting voice was immediately ignored because he hadn’t written a book called The Antidepressant Apocalypse: Big Pharma’s Plan to Steal Your Aura.
Available at all major websites called theantidepressantapocalpyse.com (Odd News/Canva)
But it’s not all doom and gloom. At the menopause hormone therapy panel, a group of “doctors,” all of whom conveniently sell hormone patches out of their trunks, declared estrogen “basically a modern-day miracle,” right up there with sliced bread and gas station boner pills.” Panelists, most of whom also moonlight as Instagram wellness coaches, argued that estrogen warnings were fearmongering, insisting that “if anything, estrogen is basically kombucha, except it is the only thing keeping the moon from crashing into Earth, so maybe quit whining about ‘blood clots.’”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., America’s answer to “what if your uncle who sends chain emails ran public health?” loves these panels because they finally give his pet conspiracies about fluoride and homicidal Prozac the air of government-branded legitimacy. One former FDA official described the panels as “a support group for lawsuits.”
Former FDA lawyers are reportedly alarmed that these meetings lack transparency, scientific rigor, and any apparent reason to exist. But Makary defended the panels, saying, “I saw this approach work really well in a Reddit thread about how to cleanse your chakras with colloidal silver and motivational screaming.”
All of this aligns with the vision of Health Secretary and part-time wizard Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who believes in medical freedom, natural immunity, and possibly dragon repellent.
Crazy Wizard Man, Robert F. Kennedy Jr, and his wife, Cheryl David. (Jean_Nelson/depositphotos)
Critics argue that if the FDA wanted to be transparent, they’d hold real advisory meetings with balanced, vetted scientists and public comments. Instead, these new panels feel more like RFK Jr.’s birthday party if the piñata was filled with mercury and bad intentions.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
