Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
VANCOUVER — The Vancouver Police Department on Wednesday formally declined a request to provide FIFA President Gianni Infantino with a head-of-state motorcade escort during this week’s FIFA Congress, citing the inconvenient bureaucratic detail that he is not, in any meaningful sense, a head of state. He is, however, an entitled d-bag.
Infantino contemplating whether to use Uber or Lyft. (IC Photo/depositphotos)
“Formal motorcades where traffic is stopped are reserved for heads of state,” Deputy Chief Don Chapman said in a statement, which is the most Canadian way ever devised to inform a man that he is, in fact, a nobody. The request was reportedly for a level-four escort, the package extended to the U.S. President and the Pope when they visit Vancouver, of which Infantino is neither, despite sustained personal efforts to appear as both. Otherwise known as ass-kissing.
“As the FIFA executive do not meet Internationally Protected Person (IPP) standards that would warrant such an escort,” Chapman continued, “the request was declined.” Officials clarified that the IPP standard is generally reserved for individuals whose assassination might trigger an international incident, rather than an increase in the number of crickets chirping.
FIFA, for its part, deployed the PR response equivalent of denying a loud fart in a quiet elevator. A spokesperson confirmed that FIFA “never requested a specific level of police motorcade for the FIFA President” and that “the FIFA President was not aware of, or involved in, any requests with authorities in relation to his transportation and security matters.” The request, FIFA explained, came from FWC26 Canada, the local organizing committee, who apparently asked for pope-level traffic closures on their own initiative, without telling the boss, in line with what FIFA called “previous arrangements for such events.” This is also known as “under-bussing.”
Vancouver Mayor Ken Sim’s office, in a statement so Canadian that it managed to be both supportive and wildly dismissive, confirmed that “there will be no motorcade proceeding through traffic signals, and no Emergency Response Team assigned in the manner described.” Any transportation arrangements made for Infantino, the office added, would be “appropriate, measured, and consistent with how Vancouver safely hosts major international events.” Translation: he can take an Uber with added surge-pricing.
Toronto Police, asked whether they intended to provide similar escorts during the World Cup itself, indicated they would not. “We will be providing escorts for teams and certain officials where there are clear public safety needs, for example, to prevent large crowds from gathering around team vehicles,” said spokesperson Stephanie Sayer. The implication that no such crowd is anticipated for Infantino was left tactfully unspoken, but it’s worth mentioning in this article because it’s hilariously embarrassing.
The FIFA Congress proceeds Thursday at the convention center, where 211 member federations will gather to vote on the distribution of $871 million in World Cup prize money and to applaud Infantino at intervals to be specified later. He will reportedly arrive by means yet undetermined, though sources confirm the route will include dozens of red lights.
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