Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Where recreational drone use and recreational drug use (literally) collide. (iMahesh/Creative Commons)
Tired of buying your drugs the old-fashioned way? The pharmacy is so 50 years ago, but we’re still stuck with it. How about illegal drugs, though? Of course you don’t do them, but assuming you did, there’s the annoyance of going to the parking lot of a Phish show or arranging a shady handshake at a dive bar. Or worse yet, a delivery guy who shows up at your apartment and won’t leave until he plays you his mixtape.
What if there was a better way? Why go to the bad part of town when the bad part of town can come to you? We’re talking about drones, baby!
That’s exactly what happened recently, and we’ll give you one guess what state it happened in. Of course, it was Florida – we already gave you the answer in the headline. However, if drone drug delivery is actually a thing, it seems like there are still some kinks to be worked out, as a man was arrested trying to retrieve his drone after it crashed into a home just outside of Tampa.
Jason Brooks showed up at the home, repeatedly knocking on the front door. “Hey man, my recreational drone crashed into your house, and it’s certainly not carrying anything illegal,” he probably said. “Just let me in your backyard and definitely don’t look at anything that might have fallen from the drone,” we’re assuming he added.
Hey, we're just doing what the drugs told us to do. (Facebook/HCSOSheriff)
The owners of the home promptly called the police, who found Brooks outside with a drone remote. They let the cops in, who found the drone, as well as suspected bags of methamphetamine and fentanyl. One of the bags said “share this,” which is a nice nod to the potential drug buyer to not be greedy.
Instead of sharing it, the law enforcement officials arrested the drone operator, who has more than a passing resemblance to Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. He was booked on charges including possession of a controlled substance and possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell or deliver, and general dumbassery. In fact, they also found that his car was unregistered and missing a tag, so he couldn’t properly operate a car or a drone.
This reminds us of 2024, which suddenly seems like it was about five years ago. One of the biggest stories in the news was drone sightings, maybe because everyone was looking to the skies for answers, and instead found flashing lights.
It was a big enough of a big deal that there was a federal investigation, which ultimately found that there was nothing nefarious going on. However, if even a fraction of those drones were carrying anything illicit and operated by people who actually know how to fly them, drug drone delivery might have already taken off.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
