Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
HAVANA — Cuba announced Wednesday that its military killed four Cuban-Americans during what officials called a “foiled armed infiltration,” adding that the incident “reinforces the immediate need for international Florida Man containment protocols.”
If the open water combat didn't stop them, these cannons would have probably finished them off. (Fotoember/depositphotos)
The vessel, registered in the state most likely to produce exactly this scenario, was carrying ten individuals armed with assault rifles, handguns, Molotov cocktails, bulletproof vests, and camouflage uniforms. Cuban authorities described the cargo as “terrorist equipment,” though in Miami it qualifies as “boat supplies.”
According to the Cuban Interior Ministry, the incursion occurred Wednesday morning, approximately one nautical mile off the nation’s north coast. When a Cuban border patrol vessel approached for identification, the speedboat’s crew opened fire, injuring the Cuban commander. Six members of the infiltration group were also wounded.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio, speaking from a Caribbean conference where he was presumably discussing something other than armed Cuban-Floridian-Americans shooting up Cuba, called the incident “highly unusual.” He noted that open-sea firefights between Cuban and American vessels haven’t happened “in a very long time.” Rubio declined to comment on whether it was something he’d spent years hoping would happen, but we know he was.
“We’re going to find out exactly what happened here, and then we’ll respond accordingly,” Rubio said, employing the measured tone of a man whose entire political career was built on Cuban regime change, who was now confronted with Cuban-Floridian-Americans attempting Cuban regime change.
The Department of Homeland Security and the Coast Guard are both investigating, presumably to determine how a speedboat full of assault rifles left Florida without anyone noticing, which suggests investigators have never met Florida.
The incident marks the first deadly confrontation between Cuban military forces and U.S.-based Cuban nationals in recent memory, reopening questions about armed exile operations that most Americans assumed had been settled around the time people stopped wearing formal hats to baseball games.
Rubio declined to speculate on the group’s intentions, though the assault rifles, explosives, and camouflage uniforms narrow the possibilities somewhat. “We’ll see what the investigation reveals,” he said, even though the investigation had already revealed assault rifles, explosives, and camouflage uniforms. The Molotov cocktails suggested either a contingency plan or these guys were hardcore alcoholics.
The investigation will also seek to determine who, if anyone, believed camouflage would help on open waters.
Meanwhile, the Cuban government continues to prepare its “I learned it from you, dad” style rebuttal to the next US accusation.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
