Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Republican gubernatorial candidate James Fishback has accomplished something that Florida’s long parade of drunks, local cryptids, and sweaty congressmen could only dream of: a categorical lifetime ban from every Waffle House location in the state. The scattered, smothered, and covered door has closed.
Fishback announced his “Waffle House Tour” on Tucker Carlson’s show in January as a strategy to “meet voters where they are,” which appears to mean at 2 AM over hashbrowns and poor life choices, the way our Founding Fathers intended. Waffle House corporate, in a moment of either misplaced goodwill or profound administrative error, gave written permission for the tour. Three weeks later, that permission was revoked, and Fishback was criminally trespassed from all 131 Florida Waffle House locations. The term “criminally trespassed” carries a specific legal weight at Waffle House, a designation previously reserved for individuals who dispute their check while threatening staff with both halves of a freshly broken pool cue.
Waffle House corporate has not yet commented on what changed between “yes, you may visit our restaurants” and “we are calling the police.” But given what some online commenters have personally witnessed at Waffle Houses, Fishback may have some explaining to do.
The candidate released a formal statement thanking Waffle House staff for their hospitality prior to the lifetime ban. The statement closed with the line, “They can’t stop our motion,” which either signals undeterred political ambition or a digestive concern common to the Waffle House Experience.
Within 24 hours of the ban, Fishback posted a purported message from IHOP on social media, though the restaurant chain has proactively, retroactively, and categorically denied all wrongdoing after reading his campaign platform. Fishback subsequently drove to an IHOP in Miami Beach to meet with supporters, posting “Pancakes > Waffles” on X, a statement that in Florida carries the political weight of a serious policy position, although most Floridians mistook it for advanced algebra.
The Miami Beach IHOP visit was documented without incident, though sources inside the restaurant industry note that IHOP’s tolerance threshold for campaign events may differ from Waffle House‘s, which famously operates on a three-strike system, where all three strikes can happen in the same visit. Campaign staff have not indicated whether other restaurant chains have been contacted, though Denny’s and Cracker Barrel have reportedly updated their visitor policies in the past 48 hours. Which, considering Denny’s past track record, is really saying something.
Fishback has announced plans to launch the “Fishback Waffle Home,” described as a “no-cost pop-up restaurant” that will travel to select Florida cities. The name “Waffle Home” suggests legal counsel was not consulted at any point between the ban and the press release, because that name is one trademark lawyer away from becoming an entirely different kind of campaign story. The concept, a mobile unlicensed food service operation touring the state under a gubernatorial campaign banner, has not yet been reviewed by the Florida Department of Health, though a spokesperson said they “look forward to receiving the paperwork,” assuming it ever arrives, at which point they will pretend it got lost in the mail and wipe their asses on it.
There's definitely something fishy about him. (Azoria)
The candidate is running on a platform that includes abolishing property taxes, banning A.I. data centers, and ending H-1B visas. He also wants a 50% “sin tax” on OnlyFans creators, with revenue directed to public education and crisis pregnancy centers, which is a funding pipeline that will require extreme legislative creativity and/or the kind of conference committee meeting nobody wants to attend. He has also proposed deploying the National Guard to remove every homeless person from Florida’s streets and requiring students to deliver five-minute extemporaneous speeches about their favorite president to graduate. That last proposal does not specify what happens if a student names a president the state doesn’t recognize, as there are now several to choose from.
The Florida Republican primary is scheduled for August 18th. The general election falls on November 3rd, assuming all participating candidates remain unbanned from enough other restaurants to constitute a viable campaign. His campaign has not commented on how many restaurants remain available for voter outreach, though the number is now definitively lower than it was three weeks ago. Between now and then, Fishback must assemble a voter coalition without access to Florida’s most reliable late-night civic gathering space.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
