Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
WINTER HAVEN, Fla. – In what Sheriff Grady Judd described as “an incident that makes even Florida blush,” 51-year-old Walter Frymire was arrested after deputies discovered he had attempted to smuggle a thermos into the Polk County Jail the old-fashioned way: by becoming the container.
Not sure it was necessary to circle this one. (Courtesy: Polk County Sheriff's Office)
According to Judd, deputies first encountered Frymire “in flagrante delicto” (Latin for “it’s Florida again”) after reports of a naked man in a public park restroom. “We had to clarify naked or buck-naked Judd said. “Because that’s the line between ‘public indecency’ and ‘summoning a hurricane god,’” Judd muttered, gesturing at the sky like he’d seen it before. “And brother, he has.”
After initially letting Frymire go with a warning, he immediately crossed the street, climbed a railroad track, and trespassed again. He claimed he was told, “You’re free to go,” but thought that meant “Go find new crimes.”
The body scanner at the jail detected an anomaly described as “metallic and cylindrical.” Further examination revealed a thermos lodged deep within the shipping lane. When asked how it got there, Frymire reportedly replied, “I put it up the exit ramp.” The deputy’s response was unprintable but included the words “sir, that’s not how you tailgate.”
Frymire’s thermos required removal by specialists who reportedly unscrewed the lid carefully to avoid spillage. Eyewitnesses say the thermos “emerged slowly into the light,” followed by applause and two nurses requesting combat pay. The hospital later thanked Frymire for participating in Florida’s ongoing field trials in container storage safety.
It's hard to tell if this is before, after, or during… (Courtesy: Polk County Sheriff's Office)
Sheriff Judd later summarized the ordeal: “It’s Polk County, baby. The humidity breeds a special kind of courage. I’ve seen men fight alligators, I’ve seen women ride shopping carts through hurricanes, but this guy stared into the void and decided that’s where a thermos goes. And the void stared back, mostly in disbelief.”
The sheriff ended his briefing with a plea to “keep your coffee hot and your exits clear.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
