Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a motion that reads like it was dictated by a squirrel on cocaine with a law degree from Trump University, Ryan Routh has requested a round of golf to determine control of the U.S. government, a beatdown session for justice, and, crucially, strippers and laptop access.
Trump will insist on defining "what really is cheating, anyway?" (Public Domain)
Routh, a man who last year tried to assassinate Donald Trump by hiding in shrubbery with a rifle at Trump’s Florida golf course, which at the time was the most Florida crime since “alligator eats cocaine smuggler”, is now choosing to represent himself in court.
In a court filing that reads like Hunter S. Thompson’s rough draft of The Art of the Deal, Routh demanded a showdown on the links with Trump himself, stating that if Trump wins, Routh will agree to be executed. But if Routh wins, he gets to be president.
Historians are quick to point out that “trial by combat” is an ancient concept, dating back to the Magna Carta, when English barons forced King John to sign a document ensuring due process. What most people don’t know is that buried in Section 69½ was a little-known clause that states if two nobles disputed the throne, they could settle it by 18 holes at St. Andrews. The winner gets all of their opponent’s titles and possessions. The loser has to behead himself with a nine-iron.
Ryan Routh’s filing is therefore not unprecedented; it’s just the first time in over 800 years someone has dusted off the “trial by golf” option. Legal scholars agree it’s constitutionally shaky, but mainly because Trump would demand 20 mulligans and claim the fairway was rigged by Antifa.
Routh also had some additional unusual demands.
He additionally requested a private room at the jail with access to a computer, email, visitation, phone calls, and, naturally, “some female strippers” who are model parents, whatever that means.
In case the golf match doesn’t pan out, Routh also proposed a “beatdown session” where Trump gets a free shot at him while he’s shackled. This, according to Routh, would help America “beat down crime.” Which is a bold strategy considering he’s literally on trial for attempted murder.
Incidentally, Routh’s assassination attempt failed to even get within visible range of the former president, which makes him one of the least effective assassins since whoever tried to kill Rasputin with strongly worded letters.
Routh now faces charges including attempted assassination, assaulting a federal officer, and writing the weirdest court filing since that guy tried to sue Pepsi for not giving him a Harrier jet.
Jury selection begins September 8, assuming the trial isn’t moved to Augusta. Potential jurors will have to answer questions such as: “Have you ever played golf with Donald Trump?” and “Do you think strippers belong in a courtroom?” and “If not, why not?”
ESPN is reportedly seeking to bid on the rights to televise Trump vs. Routh: Golf for the Presidency, presented by Hooters.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
