Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a stunning blow to both international drug cartels and the entire Florida tourism industry, the U.S. Coast Guard announced it had intercepted 61,000 pounds of cocaine and 14,000 pounds of marijuana – enough contraband to give every Floridian the gift of one final rail before ascending to the great Waffle House in the sky.
This drugapalooza could wipe out the entire state of Florida. Assuming this implies that all Floridians are addicts. Which we're quite certain they're not. (CityNews/YouTube)
The operation, which took place over a series of 19 drug seizures between June and August, netted a street value of $473 million or approximately the monthly nose budget of a midsize Miami yacht party.
Rear Admiral Adam Chamie, clearly disappointed he wasn’t invited to any of those parties, called it “a significant victory in the fight against transnational criminal organizations,” just before high-fiving a drug-sniffing dog that had seen some s***.
To make matters more absurd, officials claimed the seized cocaine represented “23 million lethal doses.” That’s enough to kill every man, woman, child, gator, spring breaker, and Guy Fieri impersonator in the state, with leftovers for Georgia.
Authorities are concerned because, Florida being Florida, if you handed anyone in the state a gram, they wouldn’t hesitate to snort it immediately, rip their shirt off, then run straight into a hurricane brandishing a giant American flag. And if you think this is an exaggeration, go search YouTube right now. I’ll wait.
See?
Florida officials, upon hearing the drugs were headed somewhere else, released a joint statement reading, “Duuuude.”
One Florida Man was observed shortly after the bust attempting to carjack a Jet Ski with only a snorkel, a pair of cargo shorts, and a handwritten map titled “PLAN B (LOL).” He was last seen heading out into the Gulf of America at full speed, screaming, “IF I GET THERE FIRST, IT’S MINE BY SEA LAW.”
When asked if they would now be increasing drug patrols, officials nodded solemnly. “Of course,” said Admiral Chamie. “But we’ll be bringing in additional support from Florida’s most elite anti-drug strike force: three raccoons, two disgruntled parrots, and one guy named Lenny who claims he can smell cocaine through time.” Sounds legit.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
