Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
CLEARWATER, Fla. — Police in Clearwater responded to what they described as “an unusually normal” call this week after a local woman discovered a 5-foot boa constrictor lounging on the hood of her car, sunning itself like it owned the place. Authorities say the boa constrictor appeared calm, possibly because it had been waiting for roadside assistance for several hours.
(Clearwater Police Department)
“It was a pet,” Sgt. Hinkebein confirmed, which in Florida is the state’s leading cause of ecosystem-based lawsuits. Hinkebein retrieved her department-issued snake hook, one of several tools now standard under the Florida “Don’t Panic, It’s Probably Venomous” initiative, and wrangled the reptile.
The boa was transported to a nearby pet store for rehoming, where it will be given “a proper habitat and emotional support terrarium.” No charges are expected unless the snake re-offends. Officials confirmed the snake was not connected to any ongoing investigations involving other slithery suspects, including an alligator later caught in a Wendy’s drive-thru and an iguana that fell through a yoga studio ceiling.
The Clearwater Police Department posted about the incident on social media, assuring residents that the situation was handled like pros and adding that it was “just another day in Florida,” which is also the unofficial Florida State Motto.
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