Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
PUNTA GORDA, Fla. — A Florida woman was arrested Monday after reportedly taking a Publix motorized shopping cart on what police described as a “medical errand with creative transportation choices,” proving once again that Florida is where logic goes to take a smoke break. On the plus side, gas mileage was phenomenal.
Not a Publix motorized cart, but they steal them from any store, so it works. (Seojoohyun/wikimedia)
The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office identified the driver as 42-year-old Robin Zick, a local woman and human embodiment of the phrase “I’ll just be a minute.” Publix staff say she entered the store shortly after 10 a.m., commandeered the mobility cart, and exited southbound at a top speed of “a very polite jog.”
Deputies found her in front of a Circle K, mid-meditation, Diet Coke in hand, whispering to the wind, “Publix gives, and Publix takes away.” She said she was “just taking a little break.” Deputies did not clarify whether she meant physically, emotionally, or from adulthood in general.
“I was gonna bring it back,” she allegedly said, which is technically true of most stolen property. “Publix was right there, y’all are acting like I drove it to Georgia.”
The cart, valued at $2,500, was safely returned, minus some dignity and one questionable Circle K taquito wrapper.
Emergency services were actually dispatched after Zick called 911 on herself, a rare move in Florida where self-awareness is often considered a controlled substance. She was evaluated at a local hospital before being charged with grand theft, a phrase that feels a bit dramatic for a woman whose getaway vehicle can’t even make it over a curb.
A Publix spokesperson issued a statement reminding customers that their carts are “for in-store use only,” which is corporate-speak for “why do we keep having to say this out loud.”
One Punta Gorda resident described the event as “the most exciting thing to happen on Tamiami Trail since the time the Arby’s sign fell over.” Another pointed out that Zick’s plan was sound and should be held up as an example to all: “Punta Gorda is on the map again, and not for meth or iguanas like usual.”
While Zick’s alleged theft doesn’t quite reach the pantheon of naked jet ski chases and alligator-related court appearances, it has secured her an honorary nomination for the annual Florida Gonna Florida prize. Zick’s act has been nominated for “Best Supporting Role in a Crime Scene,” narrowly beating out “Man who set mailbox on fire using a spray can of gasoline to cook shrimp that were actually a whole fire ant colony.” His second-place prize will be awarded posthumously.
She’s not the hero Florida deserves, but she’s definitely the one its traffic laws were written for.
The cart was returned, sanitized, and immediately stolen by another shopper.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
