Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
It’s August, that point where we’re in between all sports other than baseball. Watching guys standing around in a field waiting to maybe catch a ball can be as exciting as watching the grass in that field grow, so many are looking forward to football season (American football, that is). Athletes and student athletes around the country are practicing tirelessly to become players who could win bragging rights, championships, CTE damage, or the next Taylor Swift. However, in terms of badassery, none of them comes close to an unnamed player from Maumelle High School, who practiced for more than an hour with a two-foot venomous snake in his helmet.
Talk about a reptile dysfunction! (MaumelleAnimalShelter/facebook)
The high school’s athletic director, Kirk Horton, said that the student had been doing warmups for over an hour before feeling “unusual movements” in his headpiece. He probably subsequently had unusual bowel movements in his pants after the athletic staff discovered a still-alive two-foot cottonmouth snake that had found its way beneath the padding of the helmet. “It really was just shock and disbelief,” Horton said. “I’ve got a better shot at winning the lottery than seeing this in my 10 years.” We’re wondering why a 10-year-old is in charge of high school athletics, but that’s another story for another time.
If you were wondering what the second most venomous snake in Arkansas is, it’s the Cottonmouth Snake. That’s just after the Rattlesnake, but the player likely would’ve heard one of those in his helmet before practicing for an hour. After the appropriate amount of panicking, the authorities were called, and Maumelle Animal Services arrived and put the snake in a tote bag, which it likely preferred to a teenager’s football helmet. It was then released in a nearby river, which it likely preferred to the dumb Whole Foods tote that a freaked-out and underpaid Animal Services employee threw it in to stop everyone in the room from continuing to scream.
Animal Services had an important PSA (that’s Preemptive Snake Announcement) online for all football players and anyone else. “Before putting on your helmet, shoes, gloves, or any outdoor gear, always give it a quick check first. It only takes a few seconds and could prevent a very scary encounter—or worse.” And while that’s a warning, when high school starts up again in a few weeks, that kid is going to be the most badass player on any sports team. If he isn’t nicknamed “Snake” or “Venom,” then the education system in Arkansas is even worse than we thought.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
