Satirical Opinion by Drew Curtis, Odd News.
Fox News has once again cracked the case wide open on America’s latest existential crisis: nihilistic violence. For those unfamiliar, that’s when someone commits a violent act without a respectable motive, like “revenge,” “political ideology,” or “wanting to own libs on Facebook.” According to their experts, this means literally anyone could walk into your grandparents’ Olive Garden and blast away, purely because they decided life, like the breadsticks, had no value or meaning.
Can you see the hole in their logic? (a__64/depositphotos)
“This is different from normal violence,” said Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist who just realized he could bill cable news producers $500 an hour for statements they wanted to hear to complete a predetermined narrative. “Nihilistic violence isn’t about money or ideology. It’s about emptiness. Like opening a cursed grimoire only to discover it’s just another copy of Eat, Pray, Love.”
The Department of Justice, not to be outdone in inventing acronyms, has now officially labeled this menace “NVE”: Nihilistic Violent Extremism. The definition boils down to: “We don’t know what they want, but it’s bad, and probably aimed at you personally, suburban white grandma.”
Lieutenant Wallace Chadwick, who sounds like a rejected Law & Order guest star, warned that the randomness makes law enforcement’s job harder. “If someone shows up in Times Square with a firearm, it’s hard to predict,” he said, implying that law enforcement has finally cracked the riddle of “things are hard to predict before they happen.” But most of us know better than to believe that.
Fox News then bravely reported that in 2024, 65% of Western terrorist attacks were ideology-free. Which sounds scary until you realize it just means most people aren’t bothering with a manifesto anymore. Boomers are apparently supposed to be left terrified, not that someone might attack them, but that they might die without so much as a Facebook post explaining why. Because what’s worse than dying in a terrorist attack? Dying in a terrorist attack with no point, according to Fox. The indignity.
Yup! (thenews2/depositphotos)
Critics say this is just another entry in Fox’s “Oooga Booga Scare Boomers” narrative, following classics like Antifa Will Destroy Your Lawns, The War on Gas Stoves, and Caravans of Migrants Are Coming To Take Jobs No One Wants at Pay No One Can Live On. The formula remains derivative: unknown numbers of dangerous “others” are going to kill you, for no reason at all, any second now. Unless you stay tuned to Fox News. And buy gold.
In reality, the rise in “nihilistic violence” may have less to do with a terrifying new philosophy and more to do with Fox News running out of caravans and bathroom gender panics, so they had to try to invent a scarier monster under the bed.
