Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Acclaimed actor Gary Oldman, known for such roles as Dracula and also every single British man who’s ever worn a trench coat, has finally cracked the code on why civilization’s been circling the drain since 2016: David Bowie died, and he took the whole world’s stability with him.
Bowie was occasionally seen walking around with his own name in lights following him. Because he was just THAT cool. (Adam Bielawski/wikimedia)
In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter that started about acting and derailed into metaphysics after the second espresso, Oldman opened up about the tragic death of his longtime friend, David Bowie. His conclusion? “It was like he was cosmic glue,” Oldman explained, before presumably gazing wistfully at a lightning bolt painted on his toaster. “When he died, everything fell apart. Brexit, Trump, fidget spinners, AI. It all lines up.”
According to Oldman, the years after 2016 have been a cascading dumpster fire of political chaos, tech bros, Elon Musk tweets, and increasingly cursed AI-generated Garfield content, all of which Oldman believes were once held in check by the sheer stabilizing force of one man’s glittery platform boots. “We were hanging on by a thread, and that thread was wearing a sequin jumpsuit,” Oldman muttered before pouring a shot of absinthe into a snow globe shaped like the Labyrinth castle.
Their friendship went back decades, including collaborations on films, music videos, and at least one attempt to summon the ghost of Klaus Nomi by playing “Ashes to Ashes” backward during a solar eclipse.
In 2016, Oldman accepted a posthumous award for Bowie at the BRITs, then immediately began organizing musical tributes, birthday concerts, and time-loop rituals designed to see if Bowie could be summoned back if enough synths were played at once. Oldman also once performed a tribute with Simon Le Bon, Joe Elliott, Spandau Ballet, and La Roux in what can only be described as the most 1987 moment to ever happen in 2017.
A rare photo of Oldman not wearing a trench coat. ( arp/depositphotos)
“David inspired me to push boundaries,” Oldman said. “He made me want to act, to explore, to wear eyeliner with confidence. Now? Now I just cry into my corduroy suit and scream at TikTok.”
Bowie, for his part, could not be reached for comment, as he has ascended into his final form: a cloud of stardust shaped vaguely like a lightning bolt that only appears when a bisexual teen picks up a guitar for the first time.
Oldman concluded the interview by sipping something from a nearby skull-shaped mug and muttering, “We don’t need world leaders. We need a new Bowie.” Amen, brother. Amen.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
