Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The Ghanaian witch doctor who previously claimed he put a curse on Harry Kane before England’s match with Ghana has not only taken credit for England’s scoreless outing against Ghana, but has also announced that the England captain has now been officially released from the hex. Skeptics point out, however, that maybe England just sucked all along.
The man who got in the way of "that shot". (Nana Kwaku Bonsam/Facebook)
Nana Kwaku Bonsam, who describes himself as the most powerful spiritualist in the world, said he had temporarily hexed Kane’s goal-scoring abilities in advance of England’s World Cup clash with Ghana. “I tied him for the Ghana game, and now I’m going to release Harry Kane,” Bonsam explained, sounding less like an all-powerful mystic and more like a county clerk canceling a vehicle lien.
The announcement comes after England labored to a frustrating 0-0 draw despite dominating possession for long stretches of the match. Kane failed to score, including having at least one terrible point-blank miss, prompting immediate questions about whether the striker had fallen victim to ancient supernatural forces or instead had spent ninety minutes participating in or directly causing whatever the f*** England thought they were doing in the final third.
Bonsam insists the answer is obvious.
“When we talk about spiritual work, I’m the most powerful spiritualist in the world,” he said, repeating a claim that would carry considerably more weight if his supernatural résumé contained screenshots of cashed-out high-denomination betting slips and/or literally any other indication of magical prowess than inconveniencing soccer players.
The self-proclaimed mystic has spent years promoting abilities that allegedly place him among the most powerful individuals on Earth. While lesser wizards might devote their talents to medicine, engineering, agriculture, or solving major global crises, Bonsam has chosen a different path: making elite strikers slightly less effective for approximately one afternoon.
Supporters describe this as focus. Critics describe it as a curious, if not stupid, allocation of resources.
According to Bonsam, Kane should now have no trouble finding the net in England’s next match. The spiritual restraints have been removed, ancestral approvals have been secured, and all necessary paperwork has been filed with the Department of Mystical Striker Regulation, which is totally not a subplot from Blue Lock (yet).
England supporters greeted the news with cautious optimism.
Some noted that Ghana’s defenders spent most of the evening surrounding Kane with the intensity of a mall cop confronting an unattended backpack. Others pointed out that England’s attack moved with all the urgency of a public hearing on municipal drainage permits, which is insulting to public hearings everywhere.
Statistics show England controlled possession and territory throughout the match. Players circulated the ball patiently around Ghana’s defensive block while Ghana patiently waited for England to do something dangerous. Neither side was ultimately disappointed. The fans were, however. Tuchel’s squad appeared short of ideas for much of the contest, leading several analysts to conclude that if a curse was involved, it may have affected far more than just one striker.
By the second half, observers struggled to determine whether Kane had been bound by supernatural forces or whether eleven professional footballers had collectively decided that crossing directly into a defender was an underappreciated tactical innovation that needed to be tried out repeatedly during their most important game in four years.
Nevertheless, Bonsam says his work is complete.
The witch doctor thanked the ancestors, thanked the spirits, thanked the shrine, and assured Kane that the two remain friends despite the temporary metaphysical sanctions, although if the 1980s taught us anything, it’s that friends don’t let friends lose ball games. Or something like that.
FIFA has not commented on whether curses should be classified as outside interference or standard England tournament preparation. England’s World Cup performances since 1966 would suggest the latter.
Meanwhile, it remains to be seen whether the world’s most powerful sorcerer can be persuaded to use his self-claimed considerable magical powers on literally anything useful.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
