Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
GLOCESTER, R.I. — The police are losing the war. Not the war on drugs, not the war on potholes, but the war against one extremely motivated goat.
The best criminal mastermind, or the G.O.A.T.? (Glocester Police/Facebook)
The goat, described as “fast, free, and extremely disrespectful,” is apparently running circles around the Glocester Police Department. Officers admit they had the animal cornered inside a Cooper Road residence, “caught red-hooved,” but he escaped out the back like a B-list Marvel villain.
The goat is no longer just a farm animal. He is a symbol. He is chaos incarnate. At night, locals swear they hear him whispering in the woods, promising lower taxes and a new Dunkin’ on every corner. A child claims he saw the goat drinking Narragansett Lager behind the Cumberland Farms. Another reported he was teaching yoga classes under a pseudonym.
Authorities have issued hashtags such as #GoatOnTheRun and #BaaaadGuy, which would probably help if the goat had an Instagram account. Meanwhile, residents have posted photos of the animal lounging like a retired mobster, reminding everyone that goats have stronger union representation than most of Rhode Island.
In their defense, police did manage to apprehend a donkey, who was minding his own business on Chopmist Hill Road.
Definitely not a goat, but he looks like he knows something… (Glocester Police/Facebook)
“Different suspect entirely,” the department clarified, which is a nice way of saying, “We got confused when both animals had four legs.” Residents were asked to claim their donkey before it causes a traffic jam, which sounds exactly like something that would cause a traffic jam in Rhode Island.
Residents have taken sides. Some are hiding the goat, slipping him hay and Wi-Fi passwords. Others demand his capture, fearing he’ll escalate from breaking into houses to running for town council. A Change.org petition is circulating to appoint him honorary mayor, since he’s already done more for the town’s notoriety than three decades of Glocester Harvest Festivals combined.
The goat remains at large, possibly forming alliances with turkeys ahead of Thanksgiving. The cops say not to approach him. You don’t approach a force of nature. You stand back, crack a beer, ask someone to hold it, then let your inner Florida Man fly.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
