Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
What’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys? An unspecified number of monkeys that are out of a barrel and have, for reasons unknown, been joined by a rogue goat on the streets of St. Louis. If it seems like only yesterday that we’d initially reported about the primates, then you’re wrong, because it was earlier today. Regardless, a handful of vervet monkeys in the Show Me state that haven’t been able to be captured pose some questions – actually, all of the questions. Where did they come from? Why can’t animal control officials control the animals, let alone count them? And what the hell is a goat doing in the mix?
You know what really gets my goat? Multiple vervet monkeys. (aaliyah.thee.stallions/facebook)
The St. Louis Department of Health sure seems to have its work cut out for it, mainly because it doesn’t seem to be doing any of it. In addition to the “more than one, probably less than 2,000” vervet monkeys rampaging around North St. Louis, a black and white goat has joined the fray. And by “the fray,” we mean the monkeys, not the early aughts band from Grey’s Anatomy. Fortunately, unlike monkeys, it’s not illegal to own a goat in St. Louis. However, letting one get out and run around, potentially with monkeys, is most likely frowned upon.
So has St. Louis stepped up their search for the monkeys, like anyone might expect now that a goat has joined them on the streets? Absolutely not! In fact, they called off the search. There is a reason behind that, and it’s the same reason your job has been replaced by an algorithm – AI. Health Department spokesperson Willie Springer said that the search had gotten more complicated because people are uploading fake images online. “It’s been a lot in regard to AI and what’s genuine and what’s not,” he said in an interview. “People are just having fun. Like, I don’t think anyone means harm.”
No one’s actually seen the monkeys and goat together, but then again, no one’s really seen more than four monkeys together, so the animals are either better at hide-and-seek than we are, or the goat is sheltering them. It is pretty insane that there’s a menagerie of exotic animals wandering around a metro area.
And while they’ve called off the search, that doesn’t mean you have to stop looking if you’re in the area. In fact, the Health Department will waive any charges for anyone turning in a vervet monkey. They didn’t say anything about the goat or any other kinds of monkeys, so if you’ve been harboring a chimp or two in St. Louis, now might not be the time to show up with it. And also, waiving charges is one thing, but how about a cash reward, guys?
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
