Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
If you’re a regular reader of Odd News, you’ve undoubtedly heard the name David Rush before. The 39-year-old has a hobby, and that hobby is one for the record books. Namely, he holds over 300 Guinness World Records titles, many of which are for things we didn’t even know you could hold records for. His most recent one involves something all of us are familiar with – toilet paper.
Don’t stop him now, he’s on a roll. (Record Breaker Rush/YouTube)
He recently took the crown for stacking 10 rolls of toilet paper with one hand in the least amount of time, 5.38 seconds. Who among us hasn’t looked at a Mega Plus package of Charmin and thought to themselves, “I bet I could stack 10 of these bad boys on top of each other in seconds and wipe the smile off that smug bear’s face,” but then glumly and methodically put them in a closet? Not David Rush, the champion of the common man. After hundreds of practice sessions and dozens of official attempts, he finally beat the record of 5.45 seconds.
“I wore out dozens of toilet paper rolls in practice,” Rush wrote on his website. “But they didn’t go to waste! After serving their time in the training arena, they were moved into bathrooms across the house to live out the rest of their lives in service.” Technically, they did go to waste if you think about it. This new feat is relatively unsurprising, as you’d expect that a guy named Rush might break yet another speed record. Heck, this isn’t even the first toilet paper record he’s broken. He’s also balanced 101 rolls of toilet paper on his head, which must have really inconvenienced his family.
There is a heartbreaking coda to this story, however. The rest of the post explains that the world record holder is in no rush to keep up his breakneck World Record-setting pace. It turns out he got a job, which will take time away from breaking records. We can imagine his boss calling him into an office and saying, “Okay, David, sure, you can break records for stacking TP, how about breaking one for finishing up these TPS reports?”
While he’s planning on continuing to set records, he explains that the man holding him down will prevent him from breaking them anywhere near as frequently. We’re thinking the person most relieved about this is the Guinness World Record adjudicator who confirms the records. Could you imagine having to watch a guy try to stack ten rolls of toilet paper with one hand dozens of times for your job? He may hold the world record for Most Bored Adjudicator.
This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
