Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Bravely defending his bedroom from imaginary enemies since dinner time. (Gorodenkoff/depositphotos)
SUMMIT TOWNSHIP, MI — Jackson County police responded Thursday night to what they believed was a live, ongoing massacre at a nearby theme park, only to discover the “gunfire” was a teenager hammering the R2 trigger on a PS5 controller. Additionally, the “screams” were a string of expletives so creative they’re being submitted to the Library of Congress, as well as for the obscure but established Nobel Prize for Applied Profanity, a distinction previously won twelve times in a row by Hunter S. Thompson, once posthumously and once by accident after raging at a fax machine.
According to dispatch logs, the 911 system lit up after the gamer’s phone slipped down the crack in his orange dust-stained couch and became wedged somewhere between an empty Funyuns bag and a controller with one analog stick missing. The phone then accidentally dialed emergency services. In the background, operators reportedly heard:
“OH GOD THEY’RE FLANKING FROM THE LEFT, SHOOT THE CLOWN! SHOOT THE CLOWN! GET THE GUN, GET THE GUN, GET THE—” followed by what sounded like three consecutive explosions, a fire alarm, and someone else shouting “I’M BLEEDING OUT! WHY DO YOU SUCK SO BAD AT THIS AIDEN!”
Given the context-free soundtrack of shrieking, gunfire, and the repeated use of the phrase “all these motherf***ing s***head kids are gonna die tonight,” every available officer within fifty miles was immediately dispatched to the scene, as well as some from Canada because this kind of thing never happens there, and they were curious.
Upon arrival, officers reported no visible casualties other than the dozen or so half-empty 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red on the coffee table, which had clearly seen things. The alleged “gunshots” were traced to the gamer’s TV speakers, which had been turned up to “War Crimes Tribunal” volume. The screams? In-game teammates from Wisconsin and, inexplicably, Brazil. The Brazilian kid had better English.
Not sure if the pointing helps, but whatever rocks your controller, I guess. (svyatoslavlipik/depositphotos)
Neighbors told police they weren’t surprised. “We hear that goddamn kid yelling every night,” said one resident. “Last week, he screamed ‘YOU’RE DEAD, MICKY MOUSE!’ over and over nonstop for twenty goddamn minutes. We just hoped it was a Disney+ binge gone wrong and not something related to hitting puberty, God forbid.”
Sheriff’s deputies confirmed no physical threat was present, though several officers had to be treated for tinnitus after enduring a five-minute uninterrupted tirade about someone’s mother that violated the Geneva Convention.
The gamer was not charged, but said his kill/death ratio for the night was reportedly “absolutely trashed” due to the raid. “One of them called me ‘son,’” he said. “Bro, I was top fragging. Show some respect.” The police somehow managed to refrain from slapping him.
As of press time, the Jackson County Sheriff’s Office says it is is considering a public awareness campaign titled: “Please Distinguish Between Actual Bloodshed and Someone Yelling at a Cartoon Banana.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
