Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
ASHLAND, Va. — Animal control officers in Hanover County discovered an unconscious raccoon Saturday morning in the bathroom of the Ashland ABC Store, where the animal had apparently spent several hours conducting what officials called “unauthorized product research.” The masked intruder was found surrounded by evidence of poor decision-making and even worse taste in whiskey, according to shelter director Karen Blevins, who said she’s “seen worse from humans but not by much.”
Almost made it to the toilet. (Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter)
Witnesses reported that the raccoon had sampled vodka, bourbon, and what one official described as “something from the bottom shelf we don’t like to talk about.” The animal’s tasting methodology appeared to involve knocking bottles off shelves until something opened, a technique shelter director Karen Blevins noted was “indistinguishable from how my ex-husband approached wine selection.” Investigators found the animal collapsed near the bathroom facilities, a location Blevins described as “the universal endpoint for these kinds of decisions regardless of species.”
The suspect was transported to the county shelter where staff monitored the raccoon for signs of injury, finding none beyond what Blevins called “the look in his eyes that suggested he’d made decisions he couldn’t take back.” No charges were filed, though officials noted the animal showed classic signs of regret, including shallow breathing, refusal to make eye contact, and what appeared to be an attempt to text an ex-girlfriend.
After several hours of recovery time and zero interest in breakfast, the raccoon was released back into the wild with a pamphlet on responsible alcohol consumption and the locations of nearby dumpsters that don’t require breaking and entering. The shelter’s Facebook post noted the animal was released “hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer,” though staff privately acknowledged that if raccoons were capable of learning from consequences, they wouldn’t be raccoons. The post received 47,000 shares from people who identified strongly with making poor decisions in liquor stores and waking up on public bathroom tile floors.
The Ashland ABC Store declined to comment on its security protocols, though sources confirm management is now considering a policy requiring all customers to not be raccoons. The measure is expected to pass unanimously, though enforcement remains logistically complex given that raccoons and certain human ABC Store regulars are becoming harder to distinguish, especially around 10 a.m.
Officials say this is the first alcohol-related wildlife incident in Hanover County since 2019, when a possum was found unconscious behind a gas station after consuming what witnesses described as “an irresponsible amount of Bud Light Lime.” That animal also recovered fully and returned to its natural habitat, where it now works in middle management.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
