Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In what NASA described as “a milestone for interstellar observation” and everyone else described as “a blurry streak that looks like a Coke bottle fell over,” the Mars Perseverance rover has apparently photographed 3I/ATLAS, only the third known visitor from beyond our solar system.
Perseverance being clearly distracted by a smudge in the Martian sky. (NASA/JPL-Caltech)
The images, captured by the rover’s Right Navigation Camera, were released over the weekend. According to NASA, the streak represents an object roughly 23.6 million miles away, moving thousands of times faster than the average congressional ethics investigation. The pictures are, as usual, grainy enough to be used in a UFO documentary or an aging millennial’s Tinder profile.
The object, believed to be comet-like, has attracted renewed attention from Harvard “astrophysicist” Avi Loeb, who has spent the past several years arguing that literally everything in space is aliens – and still mainstream media just eats it up. “This could be it,” Loeb said for the thousandth time this year during a live-streamed lecture titled ‘3I/ATLAS and Why You’re All Cowards.’ “It could be an alien probe, a frozen gas giant core, or most likely just something I pulled out of my own a**.”
When asked for clarification, Loeb added, “Yes, it’s technically a comet. But remember, people once thought cigarettes cured asthma.” As usual, no one was able to tell what point he was trying to make.
The Perseverance rover’s photos show a faint stripe across the Martian sky, which Loeb calculates is roughly 31,000 miles long, based on pure guessing and a huge bong hit. NASA party poopers, meanwhile, insist it’s just “a long-exposure artifact” caused by “overlapping frames during integration,” a phrase which has now been entered into Urban Dictionary with several unwholesome meanings.
NASA’s official statement read: “While the image may appear to depict a long, glowing object, it’s important to note that many space phenomena appear elongated due to camera limitations. Ask us how we know.” In a possibly related note, a NASA intern was subsequently fired.
However, a leaked internal chat obtained by this reporter shows mission engineers referring to the image as “Martian Money Shot.jpg” suggesting morale remains high despite budget cuts and several ongoing HR investigations. And also that, perhaps, it was not the intern’s fault after all.
Loeb remains convinced this is something more than a camera artifact. “In my experience, when you see a long, bright streak in the sky, you don’t assume it’s a smudge,” said Loeb over Zoom, surrounded by a suspicious number of lava lamps that looked like bongs.
When asked whether he thought this was alien technology, Loeb grew contemplative. “If this is an alien spacecraft, then it’s likely automated,” he said. “If it’s automated, then it’s probably lonely. And if it’s lonely… maybe it’s looking for another rover to connect with.” At this point, he reportedly leaned over and whispered, “You up?” to a model of Perseverance on his desk.
Clearly that's an alien spacecraft smudge. (NASA/JPL-Caltech)
NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory released a follow-up press statement early Tuesday, stressing that the streak likely came from “known instrumental limitations” and “definitely not aliens,” noting that “we are legally required to say that last part at the end of every press release.”
The HiRISE camera on the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is expected to release its own image of 3I/ATLAS soon, which Loeb predicts for the thousandth time “will confirm everything,” and NASA predicts “will look exactly the same, but in slightly higher definition, you media whoring dips***.”
Back at Mission Control, an anonymous NASA technician said that the entire agency is on edge. “We spent billions sending a nuclear-powered car to another planet, and the only thing it’s managed to photograph is what looks like an alien doing a burnout. We’re calling it The Fast and the Furiously Distant.”
Another insider claimed that after the photo leaked, “someone at NASA immediately tried to sell naming rights to Monster Energy.” The deal reportedly fell through when the legal team realized “3I/ATLAS” might have a copyright conflict with a 2005 discontinued PlayStation game.
Before concluding his latest blog post, Loeb wrote: “If this is truly an alien object, it represents our first tangible connection with another star system. If not, then it’s still a sign from the universe — a reminder that we are small, curious, and probably being subtweeted by smarter lifeforms.” He then added, “Anyway, if the HiRISE team doesn’t release their images soon, I’ll start my own goddamn space agency. With hookers and blow”
Asked for follow-up comment, NASA sighed audibly and muttered, “F*** that guy.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
