Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The federal government’s point man for hurricane response, earthquake relief, and keeping Americans alive during natural disasters would like you to know that he once teleported to a Waffle House and that it was not fun. But don’t worry, that’s not the dumbest thing he’s ever done or said. Pull up a chair, this is going to take a while.
If you strain your eyes, you can just about see Phillips teleporting. Ah, no, my bad, that's a cloud. (appalachianview/depositphotos)
Gregg Phillips, a conservative activist and executive producer of the debunked election-conspiracy film 2000 Mules, was appointed in December to lead FEMA’s Office of Response and Recovery, which is the division responsible for deploying federal resources in the immediate aftermath of disasters. His qualifications for the role include: claiming that millions of illegal votes were cast in 2016, funneling $750,000 in election fraud donations to a company he created in Alabama, getting jailed for contempt of court in a federal defamation case (not that one), and being escorted out of his own conspiracy theory reveal party in Scottsdale for bringing a gun. Also, he says he can teleport.
“I was with my boys one time, and I was telling them I was gonna go to Waffle House,” Phillips explained on a podcast last year, describing what he apparently considers a routine commute. He then spontaneously teleported to Waffle House 50 miles away in Rome, Georgia. His companions asked how that was possible, given that he had just been standing in front of them. Phillips assured them it was real. And if you’ve ever heard an iron-clad alibi in your life, this is not one.
He then elaborated that teleporting is “no fun” because “you don’t really know what you’re doing” and “it’s scary,” which career FEMA officials confirmed is also how they would describe his management style. In a separate account, Phillips claimed his car “lifted up” while he was driving and carried him roughly 40 miles from Albany, Georgia, before setting him down in a ditch near a church. The car was not available for comment.
Phillips first rose to national prominence by claiming without evidence (also known as lying) that between three and five million non-citizens voted in the 2016 election. He could not produce proof of this. He then appeared in 2000 Mules, a Dinesh D’Souza film alleging widespread ballot trafficking in 2020 using geolocation data that turned out to be, in the assessment of election officials, courts, and the film’s own distributor who pulled it and publicly apologized, fabricated. During one memorable evening in Arizona, Phillips promised a crowd of 100 conspiracy enthusiasts that he would unveil evidence of fraud “ten times bigger” than the film. He instead directed them to a half-built website that appeared to charge money for the privilege of seeing proof that did not exist. He was then removed from the afterparty by hotel security for carrying a firearm.
In January 2025, Phillips said of President Biden on a podcast: “I would like to punch that bitch in the mouth right now. He is a nasty, shitty, crappy human being, and he deserves to die.” A FEMA spokesperson later clarified that these remarks were “taken out of context” and represented “personal, informal, jovial, and somewhat spiritual discussions made in the context of barely surviving cancer.” It was not immediately clear which part was jovial.
Gregg Phillips in his younger years… probably. (Courtesy of Allstar/Cinetext/Paramount)
During a massive snowstorm in January, Phillips was photographed standing directly behind DHS Secretary Kristi Noem at FEMA’s command hub, which several career officials described as the professional equivalent of watching someone’s unlicensed cousin show up to perform surgery after he watched one YouTube video about it. However, after a few weeks, some officials grudgingly acknowledged that Phillips had shown initiative during the storm response. “Gregg Phillips is FEMA’s best hope at this moment,” one high-ranking FEMA official told CNN. “I can’t believe I’m saying that.” Neither can anyone else.
Phillips also told podcast audiences in 2023 that a Chinese army of 10 million people was being imported through the southern border to kill Americans. “It’s not a game. It’s not a joke,” he said, despite it very obviously being also not real. He additionally advised listeners to learn to shoot and move in urban environments because “this is happening. It’s coming now. It’s here.” He now coordinates the federal government’s efforts to help those same communities recover from catastrophic floods and other disasters.
FEMA dismissed concerns about all of this. “This is so silly it’s barely worth acknowledging,” a spokesperson said, which is a fascinating institutional posture for an agency whose response chief believes he can teleport and that his car can fly.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
