Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Josh Hokit is 10-0, undefeated in a cage and, as of Sunday night, undefeated in the unsanctioned sport of saying the worst thing at the worst possible time.
So many questions about this shot. (White House/x)
The Incredible Hok, his name for himself, knocked out Derrick Lewis in the second round on the South Lawn of the White House, a patch of grass that has hosted Easter Egg Rolls and is now zoned for heavyweight MMA. Lewis is a 270-pound man who has ended careers with a single punch. Hokit took him down and took him apart at the speed of someone late for something else more important.
Hokit walked to the center of the Octagon before the bell, the White House lit up behind him, and he gave Lewis the finger. Relative to what was to follow, that was the dignified portion of the evening. Hokit apparently fights in a misanthropic Dr. Seuss persona, a sentence that is true and that nobody on the broadcast appeared prepared to explain. He thanked President Trump for hosting. He told the crowd that Jesus Christ is “the only person more incredible than the Incredible Hok,” a ranking that generously puts Jesus first and Hokit a close, confident second.
He held the microphone and said, “Michelle Obama is a man. Am I right, America?” Part of the crowd laughed. Joe Rogan, who has interviewed scientists, killers, and his own gut bacteria for hours at a stretch, had no follow-up question. “Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Hokit,” he said, and disappeared in a puff of smoke back to his home dimension.
Hokit ran the same play in January at UFC 324, where he beat Denzel Freeman and recited a victory poem that ended, “And P.S., Brittney Griner is a man.” Joe Rogan, who was the MC for that fight as well, added, “Brittney Griner catching strays.” Don’t ask us to explain any of this, this is literally what happened. Hokit has made a regular habit of informing the country which women he has decided are men.
At UFC 327 media day, Hokit cornered light heavyweight Jiri Prochazka in a hotel lobby while waving a toy lightsaber. The two were not fighting each other. They do not even compete in the same weight class. “I’ll cut you up with this lightsaber, homie,” he said, “and then stitch your head on Alex Pereira’s body.” Prochazka declined to participate, probably because he wasn’t able to come up with an even crazier response. Hokit was led away, then decided to go after Carlos Ulberg, who ignored him completely.
Later on the podium, Hokit laid out the plan to saw the head off the No. 4 heavyweight, bolt it to Pereira’s body, and stitch the rest of the rankings together into “some type of ‘human centipede'” that the Incredible Hok would walk on a leash in his front yard. He pivoted with no warning into a fake Mexican accent and an off-color dad-joke “No weigh, Jose” that landed in total silence from the assembled press.
He has also, for the record, faked throwing up at a weigh-in. His agent says he’s available for children’s parties and bar mitzvahs on request. Also, ladies, he’s single.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
