Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will launch a biweekly podcast next week, department officials confirmed, titled “The Secretary Kennedy Podcast.” A teaser video shows Kennedy seated in a slick HHS-branded studio, lit softly and scored with ominous music, pledging to “name the names of the forces that obstruct the paths to public health.” The department did not specify how many of these names and/or forces already hold HHS committee/board seats or cabinet level positions in the Trump administration.
No word on whether the parasitic worm will be a future guest on the show. (jhansen2/depositphotos)
The launch arrives three weeks after a federal judge in Massachusetts enjoined the bulk of the Secretary’s vaccine agenda, invalidated his thirteen handpicked advisers, and found the CDC had acted arbitrarily when it cut the childhood immunization schedule from seventeen recommended shots to eleven. HHS has since pivoted its public messaging toward food, nutrition, and chronic disease, areas in which the Secretary has so far not been enjoined.
The department would not confirm upcoming guests, though Kennedy named one himself while appearing on a separate podcast earlier this month: Robert Irvine, the celebrity chef currently tasked by the administration with redesigning U.S. Army meals. Kennedy said the episode has already been recorded. He described the remaining lineup as doctors, scientists, and agency staff, in what appeared to be in descending order of waning credibility. Officials believe his show will be the first podcast hosted by a sitting cabinet secretary, a distinction the department framed as historic but, in actuality, is just dumb.
In the teaser clip, Kennedy promises to expose the forces that have poisoned the American body, a subject on which the Secretary has some standing given his past addiction to heroin; the parasitic worm that, per his own sworn deposition, entered his brain in 2010 and died there; the dead bear cub he collected off the road in 2014, drove into New York City, and staged in Central Park beside an old bicycle; the dead whale’s head his adult daughter has described him strapping to the roof of the family minivan on a multi-hour drive home; his televised claim on Joe Rogan that Wi-Fi radiation opens the blood-brain barrier and causes what he termed “leaky brain,” a condition not recognized by medicine; his repeatedly stated theory that atrazine in the drinking water is turning American boys gay and girls masculine, extrapolated from a frog study whose own lead researcher has said does not extrapolate to humans; his 2023 remarks, later lightly walked back, that COVID-19 had been “ethnically targeted” to spare Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people; his ongoing public position that SSRIs are responsible for American school shootings, supported, he says, by the observation that there were fewer school shootings before Prozac; his suggestion that the measles outbreak that would go on to kill two unvaccinated children in Gaines County could be treated with cod liver oil and high-dose vitamin A, advice that resulted in a Texas children’s hospital treating pediatric patients for vitamin A toxicity; his January 2022 speech at the Lincoln Memorial in which he told a crowd of anti-vaccine protesters that COVID mandates were worse than Nazi Germany because “even in Hitler’s Germany, you could hide in an attic like Anne Frank did” and we all know how well that turned out for her; the photograph, published by Vanity Fair in 2024, in which he posed with the roasted carcass of what the magazine’s consulted veterinarian identified as a dog and which Kennedy denied by stating that it was a goat and adding, for clarification, “you are what you eat”; his Mother’s Day 2025 Instagram post showing him wading with his grandchildren into Rock Creek, a waterway the District of Columbia has banned swimming in since 1971 because of raw sewage and elevated E. coli; his decades-long view that HIV does not cause AIDS, and that the disease is caused instead by recreational drug use, specifically what he has termed “poppers” and the “gay lifestyle”; and the allegations, first reported in Vanity Fair in 2024, from a former family babysitter that he sexually assaulted her in the 1990s, to which Kennedy responded by texting her that he had “no memory” of the incident and publicly declining to deny it on the grounds that he is, in his own words, “not a church boy.”
New episodes are expected every other week.
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