Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
If you were to find an artifact from World War I, what would you do with it? Most likely, the first thing would be to make sure that it wasn’t live, if it was a munition. Then perhaps get it appraised, or at least cleaned up, so you could display it along with your relics from other World Wars. What you probably wouldn’t do was stick it up your butt, not be able to dislodge it, and show up at a local hospital, which would then be evacuated after doctors found out that it was an 8 inch artillery shell.
These unexploded WW1 artillery shells appear to have been stuck where the sun DOES shine. (Frans90245/Creative Commons)
This evacuation, involving something the gentleman couldn’t self-evacuate, occurred in France at the Rangueil Accident and Emergency unit in Toulouse. Side note: if it were Toulouse, he wouldn’t have had to go to the hospital in the first place. The 24-year-old showed up in discomfort and probably had a crazy story about accidentally sitting on something at a museum. Actually, he was vague enough about things initially, stating that he had a large object in his rectum. It wasn’t until doctors began doing emergency surgery that they discovered what it was – an 8-inch World War I artillery shell dating back to 1918 that was still live.
The doctors understandably panicked, not just because of the potential of an ass explosion ending their lives, but also thinking of their families having to explain how they’d passed. A bomb squad was called in, and the hospital was evacuated. A security perimeter was set up around the hospital, and probably a smaller perimeter around the man’s perineum.
If these women knew where their work might wind up one day, they'd have walked off the job. (George P. Lewis/Creative Commons)
Firefighters and a bomb squad arrived, and the shell was diffused. Apparently, the bomb squad took the shell with them, which probably relieved the man who’d arrived at the hospital with it. He’s still there, recovering from the surgery, and probably never recovering from the embarrassment. He’ll also be interviewed by authorities, and prosecutors are considering legal action against him for handling “category A munitions.” Hard to say he was “handling” munitions, more like “buttling,” if you will (I hope you won’t).
While the man hasn’t given a proper explanation as to how the shell got to where it was, a newspaper said that the hospital was “accustomed to treating victims injured during sexual games.” They probably don’t mean video games, so whatever games he was playing weren’t “Call of It’s In My Booty” or “Hal-oh No, It’s Stuck.” But the newspaper isn’t wrong, given that in 2022, an 88-year-old man showed up in a different French hospital with the same type of munition lodged in a similar place. We’re guessing both men are shells of their former selves.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
