Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The House Rules Committee voted 6-4 on Monday to advance the Sunshine Protection Act, a bill that would make daylight saving time permanent and end the twice-yearly clock change forever. This move is expected to cause no controversy whatsoever and definitely not turn into an endless flame war on the Internet.
Everyone will agree. EVERYONE. (uroszunic/depositphotos)
Back in May, the House Energy and Commerce Committee approved the Act 48 to 1, and somehow the “1” wasn’t Thomas Massie. The current version is sponsored by Florida Republicans Vern Buchanan and Rick Scott, probably because Florida is a state where the sun is already a documented public safety hazard and Florida can’t get enough of those.
President Trump claimed it was a “very nice WIN” and also wrote that “It’s time that people can stop worrying about the ‘Clock.'” The capital C implies that Clock is an entity, a shadowy figure that must be stopped, or perhaps he’s just randomly capitalizing things again. At least he spelled clock right this time.
The US last tried permanent daylight saving time in 1974, during the oil crisis, and hated it so thoroughly that Congress repealed it after roughly eight months. Apparently we still can’t learn anything from history.
In 2022, the Senate passed an identical bill by unanimous consent, a procedure that passes bills when no senator objects. Most Senators apparently did not realize what they were voting on, according to several who said so afterward, which also makes you wonder what else was passed that day. The bill then went to the House and died quietly. This time the bill is coming from the House and going to the Senate, which presumably means the Senate gets to be caught off guard again. Our government at work, folks.
The bill does let states keep daylight saving year-round if they want, with an option to opt out, so expect Indiana and Arizona to do something like split the middle and be permanently off everyone else by 30 minutes. The end result may be a patchwork of states on different clocks at different times of the year, which seems much, much worse than what we currently have. But at least our phones automatically update to the correct time now, whatever that happens to be.
For now, the clock change survives until at least the next vote. The Clock could not be reached for comment.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
