Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Houston officials released data Monday showing 189 bodies have been removed from the city’s bayous since 2017, then spent the remainder of the press conference unconvincingly explaining why this is actually a small number if you think about it.
Buffalo Bayou, with kayakers hoping that they don't get snagged on another body. (vijay.fang/depositphotos)
The Harris County Medical Examiner’s Office broke down the figures: 17 homicides, 75 unexplained deaths, 46 accidental drownings, and one case still pending because the examiner’s office is still waiting for the right moment to bring it up. Mayor John Whitmire held a press conference specifically to announce there is no serial killer, which is generally not something mayors announce unless there might be a serial killer.
“Enough is enough of wild speculation,” Whitmire said, a phrase that does not traditionally close speculation so much as it throws the doors wide open to it. “There is no evidence that there is a serial killer loose on the streets of Houston.” He then clarified that the killer, if one existed, and one does not, would technically be loose in the waterways, not the streets. This explanation satisfied no one.
The bodies have been recovered at a steady pace throughout the year, with 27 pulled from the water since January. Five were found in a single five-day span in late September, a stretch officials described as “statistically notable but not narratively concerning.” Whitmire attributed the deaths to Houston’s homelessness crisis, adding that the unhoused often “end up in the bayou” when they pass, which is either tragic or a confession depending on how you parse the preposition in that sentence.
Joseph Giacalone, a retired NYPD sergeant now teaching at Penn State Lehigh Valley, called the number “definitely worthy of further investigation.” He urged Houston investigators to explore “companion cases” and “patterns,” then added he wouldn’t want to “over-speculate,” a caveat that appeared to arrive several sentences too late.
Among the dead is Jade Elise McKissic, 20, a University of Houston student last seen leaving a bar without her phone. Her body was found in Brays Bayou four days later. Police determined there were no signs of trauma or foul play, categories that apparently do not include “being dead in a bayou at age 20.”
The Medical Examiner’s Office later admitted to a clerical error in the autopsy of Kenneth Cutting Jr., 22, whose report accidentally included details from a different body. A spokesperson said the mistake “had no impact on the findings or the cause and manner of death,” a reassurance that raised more questions than it answered. Cutting’s family has requested that the case be reopened. The city has requested that they stop requesting things.
There are even well-placed bridges for serial killers to drop bodies from. If there were serial killers involved. Which there are not. (Hackman/depositphotos)
Texas private investigator Colman Ryan, hired by Cutting’s family, suggested someone may be “just throwing people in the bayou,” a theory he presented without specifying whether the throwing was being done systematically, casually, or as part of some kind of organized recreational league.
Since 2017, Buffalo Bayou has produced 21 bodies, making it Houston’s most productive site for discovering people who are no longer alive. The downtown park area has effectively cornered the market on unexplained aquatic death, beating out the Eastwood and Lawndale-Wayside neighborhoods, which managed only 17 bodies between them. A respectable showing, but ultimately a bronze medal performance.
Whitmire declined to comment further, referring questions to previous statements in which he declined to comment. The Houston Police Department also declined, referring questions to the mayor, who referred them back to the police, forming a perfect circle of municipal accountability.
Joseph Giacalone reminded officials that every death should be treated as suspicious until proven otherwise, establishing what he called a “golden rule.” Houston has established its own rule: every death should be treated as unfortunate, as treating it as suspicious would require effort.
The bayous remain accessible to the public. No one has suggested they should be.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
