Are YOU my Daddy? (Heather Paul/Flickr)
Disclaimer: While this articles is based on the balanced scales of fact, it does contain some sharp satire. So be careful where you put your hands.
New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC) recently seized a twelve-foot, 750-pound pet alligator from Tony Cavallaro, of Hamburg, NY. Though one would expect this type of crackdown to happen only in Florida, evidently alligators can learn to love hot wings, six months of snow, and the Bills, just like every other Buffalo-area resident.
Cavallaro spent $120,000 adding a wing to his house for his large adult reptilian son: an alligator Shangri-La built around an indoor pond and waterfall with spa jets, plants, heated floors, and a (swim-up, we hope) bar. He feeds Albert a diet of raw chicken and pork chops with vitamin supplements. (Alligators can live up to 50 years; Albert is 34.)
To the likely surprise of many New Yorkers, the state issues licenses to keep alligators as pets – Mr. Cavallaro previously had one, but it expired in 2021 and was never renewed because, according to him, “they changed the rules,” and state bureaucrats wouldn’t answer his phone calls and emails with questions. “What do I need a license for? We’re not going anywhere. I can never leave or sell this house.”
Cavallaro, 64, bought Albert at an Ohio reptile show when he was just two months old, and they’ve lived together ever since – all of which, again, is legal. Regardless, he had already allegedly violated what the license does allow for dangerous animals, by letting unlicensed visitors and their children pet and even swim with Albert.
Cavallaro, who miraculously still has all his limbs, calls Albert his “emotional support animal” and “a big baby.” He even entrusted Albert’s care to his elderly mother while he took vacations (yes, he’s single!), and said Albert always ran to affectionately eat/greet his grandma whenever she visited. “I’m just so proud… that he doesn’t live at home with me,” bragged the 84-year-old crocodilian matriarch.
NOT Cavallaro's mother (that we know of). (Lorie Shaull/Flickr)
After serving Cavallaro with a warrant, officers sedated Albert and took him to a temporary foster home/safe house; its whereabouts kept secret to prevent witness tampering by local meth kingpins, gang members, and distraught alligator daddies. For this reason, Albert could not be reached for comment.
Instead of cheering the removal of the unsecured carnivorous predator, Albert’s neighbors began a campaign of support to get Albert back, selling “Free Albert” merch to offset his legal fees. An online petition advocating for Albert’s return to Cavallaro’s home has more than 140,000 signatures (importantly, it features a statement purportedly from Cavallaro and a photo of the home’s purpose-built alligator addition, complete with chonky boi Albert lounging poolside).
The DEC’s report (which includes photos of Albert’s removal!) states that it removed Albert “in the interest of public safety and the health, safety, and protection of the alligator,” noting that Albert “has numerous health-related issues, including blindness in both eyes and spinal complications.” In response, Cavallaro said, “He’s fine. La-la-la-la-la!” while sticking both fingers into his ears and quickly walking away.
