Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
If soccer is the beautiful game, then call this the beautiful world record. A giant soccer ball in Massachusetts is helping kick off the 2026 World Cup, which is held throughout North America, including in Foxborough, MA. The gargantuan ball, in a park in East Boston, has even been declared an official Guinness World Record, so you know that it is truly silly and frivolous.
There was no word on whether this ball was related to the giant boulder that almost crushed Indiana Jones. (CBS Boston/YouTube)
Previously, a ball in Qatar in 2013 held the record for largest soccer, or “football,” orb, with a diameter of 39.98 feet. But the Massachusetts Port Authority, which apparently is a real organization that exists, decided to kick it up a notch, making a ball 47.9 feet in diameter. Officials had planned to use a manual hand pump to inflate the massive sphere, but then remembered that Popeye is not a real person, and that the effort would kill most people. So they plopped down the extra dough for an electric inflator instead.
“Wait, the World Cup is happening now, and it’s in the US?” said a local official. “I had no idea, but that makes this giant soccer ball even more fitting!”
Don’t worry, the material used to create the ball will be recycled. Though on the downside, the material will be reused to make another useless, trifling object that everyone could have done without.
The creators of this giant spectacle will donate 100 regular soccer balls to youth programs in Boston, perhaps to offset the silliness of it all. (CBS Boston/YouTube)
“We felt that, sure, there’s already a lot of excitement for the World Cup, but why not add to the thrill with a humongous ball?” said a local spokesperson, who gets lots of free food by attending silly PR events for his job. “And has it worked to create more enthusiasm? Well, um, I’m not sure… but look at how big that soccer ball is… pretty cool, huh?”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
