Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Two men identifying as bears were freed after getting locked inside a car in Ketchikan, Alaska, police said. The pair had been trapped for hours until officers responded to what neighbors described as “incessant honking,” which is also how the men’s choir in town is usually reviewed. Police confirmed the vehicle was undamaged, except emotionally.
The men, described by police as “furry troublemakers,” had accidentally locked themselves inside the car after an evening of what they referred to as “grocery shopping,” but the groceries were leather harnesses. With the windows fogging up and their aux cord stuck on repeat playing “Don’t Be Suspicious”, the two began honking for help.
This was a beary strange encounter. (@Ketchikanpolice/Instagram)
Officials noted the bears were not harmed, though one did file a complaint about Alaska’s “no shirt, no service” law, which he described as “discriminatory toward body hair.” The other just wanted his hoodie back. Both were released without charges.
The Ketchikan Police Department urged citizens to lock their vehicles and avoid leaving food inside. “Bears will go after anything that smells delicious,” said Officer Jensen. “That could be a sandwich, a pumpkin spice candle, or another bear. We don’t judge.”
In a statement, the bears thanked the responding officers for their professionalism and noted they would be available for future Pride parades, karaoke fundraisers, or “any situation requiring two large men to honk loudly until freed.” Though one demanded a written apology for being referred to as “cuddly” in the official police report. They also promised to “pay it forward by getting locked in someone else’s car at the next drag brunch.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
