Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
FORT WAYNE, IN — Area gardener and part-time kaiju wrangler Alex Babich says his sunflower, “Clover,” has now reached 29 feet of pure, possibly radioactive majesty and is still growing, “though at night it hums in a way that makes my teeth itch.” He did not elaborate further on what that meant.
If you look closely, you can see it weeping radioactive tears. (WANE15/YouTube)
Babich, who emigrated from Ukraine after “that little Chernobyl incident,” swears the plant is perfectly safe to stand near “for a few minutes at least.” Local residents note, however, that the flower glows faintly after dusk, and small birds landing on it tend to evolve into tiny kaiju within hours.
The City of Fort Wayne, fully invested in the effort to bring the World’s Largest Sunflower Guinness World Record back to the U.S. at any cost, has supplied Babich with a cherry picker, ostensibly to deter vandals, but secretly to give the parks department a vantage point lookout for an unusual moth spotted repeatedly that witnesses say keeps whispering, “soon.”
Clover isn’t Babich’s only oversized horticultural achievement. Last fall, his pumpkin patch produced a specimen so large it was listed on Airbnb and rented out as a “rustic tiny home with light gourd scent.” The property boasted one bedroom, zero bathrooms, and a suspicious vine that would move when you weren’t looking. His zucchini, when startled, can achieve speeds of up to 12 miles per hour, and his sweet corn routinely grows ears so massive they got their own ZIP code and elected a corn cob mayor last spring.
Asked what keeps him motivated, Babich gestured toward the sky, where Clover’s massive head swayed ominously in the wind. “Back home, sunflowers were a symbol of peace,” he said. “Here, they’re a symbol that the HOA can’t tell me what size my plants should be. Go f*** yourself, HOA. And possibly it also serves as a warning to Godzilla.” Again, he did not elaborate further.
Guinness officials are expected to measure Clover the Sunflower in the coming weeks, assuming the plant doesn’t uproot itself first and begin a slow, deliberate march toward Chicago.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
