Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
OSKALOOSA, Iowa — Mahaska County Supervisor Steve Wanders used a racial slur during a public meeting last week to describe the heating and air conditioning system in a county-owned building. He has since clarified that he meant nothing by it, a defense that has historically resolved 100% of situations like this to everyone’s satisfaction.
Oskaloosa City Hall, probably jerry-rigged together. (Boscophotos/wikimedia)
The building in question, located on South 11th Street, is a former grocery store now serving some unspecified county function. Wanders told the board the HVAC system had been “chopped up” due to the building’s previous life, then deployed “n——rigged,” as a casual descriptor, the way someone might say “cobbled together” if they had never once in their lives thought about the words coming out of their mouth. He followed it with “whatever you want to call it,” which was generous, because most people would want to call it something else entirely.
When reached for comment several days later, Wanders explained that the phrase was common in his farming operation and had been for years. “It’s just a phrase, we say it all the time,” Wanders said, seemingly unaware that this was not the exoneration he believed it would be. He described the slur as something he said “without a second thought,” which appears to be the most thoroughly verified claim in this entire story.
Wanders also said he had never heard of the term “jerry-rigged,” a phrase that accomplishes the same descriptive goal without requiring a subsequent newspaper interview. He said he would start using alternative phrases going forward, a concession that somehow took a reporter’s phone call to arrive at.
Fellow supervisor Chuck Webb confirmed he heard the slur in real time. Webb chose not to address it during the meeting, telling reporters, “I didn’t think I wanted to,” a sentence that does a remarkable amount of work in just six words. Webb added that no one had complained about or mentioned the comment, a metric the board appears to be using as its primary barometer for whether racism occurred, and also hints at the real problem here.
County Auditor Madison Garden was taking the official minutes and said the slur didn’t register. She was, at that moment, the person whose literal job was to record what people said, and she didn’t notice the racial slur. “I would certainly never say anything like that,” Garden said, offering a personal disclaimer that did not address the professional one. Whether the minutes reflect what Wanders actually said, or what everyone agreed they didn’t hear, remains a question for the archives.
The HVAC system on South 11th Street continues to function in whatever condition you’d like to call it. The building still needs work. So does the county.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
