Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
JESUP, Iowa — The Jesup Police Department has announced that the toilet-papering of homes during homecoming has now graduated to the rank of “serious crime,” right up there with jaywalking, overdue library books, and being a Packers fan in Bears country. Because every day is a slow news day in Iowa.
It's sort of classy in that "not understanding the definition of 'classy'" kinda way! (Lucas and Marcus/YouTube)
According to police, the same house has been TP’d every year, and officers finally had enough after “a significant amount of toilet paper” was dumped there last Friday night. How much is “significant”? Witnesses estimate enough rolls to stock a Walmart during the early days of COVID. “I couldn’t even open my garage,” said the homeowner, adding bitterly, “and now the raccoons think it’s a Hilton.”
The Jesup PD issued a sternly worded statement on Facebook because nothing says “law and order” like posting between an AI-generated boomer-bait meme and a Buy/Sell/Trade ad for a slightly used riding mower powered by moonshine. The post warned that TP-ers will now face charges of trespassing, criminal mischief, illegal dumping, and disorderly conduct. Also, possibly littering, because if there’s one thing cops love, it’s stacking on charges until your rap sheet looks like a CVS receipt.
The department admitted they couldn’t possibly patrol “every residence every minute” of the night, which they theoretically probably could given Jesup’s population of 2,541. Multiple suspects have reportedly been identified, though police declined to release their names. Which in this day and age could mean they’ve been deported to Ghana. We just don’t know.
The department is also investigating whether one of the culprits might be “The Phantom Folder,” a legendary prankster believed to be responsible for the Great Forkening of 2017 and the Pumpkin Avalanche of 2019.
Meanwhile, town residents are split. Some argue it’s a rite of passage, a harmless seasonal reminder that yes, teenagers are still morons. Others say the practice is outdated and wasteful, and that Jesup hasn’t had a decent prank since the 1988 Cow-on-the-Roof Incident. “And even then, the cow did most of the work,” noted one resident, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being deported to the Twin Cities.
For now, Jesup PD says TP-ing is officially dead. But students are already brainstorming alternatives. Rumors include “flamingo-ing” yards with dollar-store plastic birds, “stickering” houses with 5,000 Minions, or the most feared option of all: driving slowly past your enemy’s house at 11:30 p.m. blasting Nickelback.
(Odd News/Tenor)
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
