Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Two people were arrested at Rafael Núñez International Airport in Cartagena, Colombia, on May 13 after officers found three baby monkeys in their underwear, in what airport authorities are calling the “least anticipated bag check of the year this side of Florida.” The 26-year-old man and 27-year-old woman from La Jagua de Ibirico had been trying to fly to the Dominican Republic with a brown spider monkey hidden in the man’s underwear and two white-faced monkeys in the woman’s bra, according to police who had been hoping it would be drugs.
The last place this little guy should be is in your underpants. (Dudarev Mikhail)
Brown spider monkeys are critically endangered, which makes a pair of underwear possibly the worst available smuggling mechanism for them. White-faced monkeys are likewise protected. Neither passenger had declared any wildlife at check-in, which under Colombian aviation rules is required for any animal traveling in any container, including underwear. The applicable declaration form includes checkboxes for live birds, live mammals, live reptiles, and an “other live” option, none of which the smugglers checked because it’s an overly obvious trap. They were caught anyhow.
Cartagena Metropolitan Police released a photo of the suspects with their faces blurred, which is thus far the only part of the operation being protected from public view. Both face charges of wildlife trafficking and illegal transportation of animals, in addition to the lingering open question of how either of them thought any of this was a brilliant idea.
The monkeys are now in the care of Colombian wildlife authorities, who have presumably never been so quietly furious in their lives. And somewhere outside Cartagena, a third would-be smuggler is probably sitting on a porch with a duffel bag full of underwear, trying to figure out how many monkeys will fit in it.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
