Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
NASA’s Perseverance rover has once again proven that humans are incapable of looking at random lumps without yelling “It looks like a thing!” This week’s fever dream? A Martian turtle. Yes, a rock that if you squint, tilt your head, spin three times, and shout “cowabunga,” vaguely resembles a turtle poking its head out of its shell.
Oooh, look, a rock! (NASA/JPL-Caltech))
Using its cutting-edge SHERLOC and WATSON instruments, names that suggest a buddy-cop movie about lasers and overachieving acronyms, Perseverance snapped a picture of a rock formation that sort of, maybe, slightly resembles a deranged Pokémon turtle, assuming you’ve been drinking expired Tang and staring at clouds for three hours.
NASA, being the eternal buzzkill that it is, was quick to cite pareidolia: the well-documented psychological phenomenon where your brain tries to make familiar things out of randomness, like Jesus on toast, or a presidential candidate on a potato.
Still, it’s not the first time this has happened. Mars has already given us:
- A doorway that absolutely wasn’t a doorway
- A skull that definitely wasn’t a skull
- A medieval helmet that wasn’t protecting anyone’s anything
- A dog, a teddy bear, and a crowd of spiders that look suspiciously like dust
- And, most famously, a rock shaped like the “Star Trek” logo, boldly going nowhere
All of which have been identified, categorized, and added to the Official Martian Zoology of Dumb Crap That Looks Like Stuff™. Or, as your aunt on Facebook calls it, “proof Jesus put turtles on Mars.”
The “turtle” rock is nestled in Jezero Crater, a place that used to be a lake billions of years ago, back when Mars was only mildly uninhabitable. Over time, wind, erosion, and possibly Martian HOA regulations shaped the rock into something that vaguely resembled a shelled reptile.
The only way it can look like a turtle is if we superimpose a turtle on it. Even then, it looks more like a fish somehow. (NASA/JPL-Caltech – turtle added by Odd News)
NASA scientists insist there’s no sign of actual life, intelligence, or sentience, and also that the rock has refused to answer their texts.
Next week: Scientists spot a rock that looks like Elon Musk’s ego collapsing into a black hole. Stay tuned.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
