Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BRENTWOOD, LOS ANGELES — Claire, a 50-pound fiberglass dinosaur and unofficial supervisor of the San Vicente Sinclair station, was briefly kidnapped last week by someone who needed something big enough to ride shotgun and still qualify for the carpool lane. Security footage shows the thief using power tools to remove her, load her into a pickup truck, and drive off into the night. Sources confirm Claire is the first dinosaur stolen in Brentwood since the filming of Entourage.
Was hoping she was going to be a little bigger, but beggarsaurs can't be choosersaurs. (KTLA)
By Monday morning, Claire was back. And swaddled like a newborn and accompanied by a note reading, “I’m sorry for stealing. Please don’t charge me!” Police believe the culprit returned the dinosaur after realizing they lacked the space, conscience, or Home Depot reward points to finish the heist properly. According to LAPD protocol, the act of returning stolen property with an apology note technically qualifies as “reverse burglary.” Paperwork has been filed in triplicate, and everyone regrets everything.
Sinclair management was relieved, noting that while the company had weathered depressions, wars, and leaded gasoline, this was the first time one of its dinosaurs had been abducted without the involvement of a Jurassic Park cosplay club. Sinclair staff say they’re thankful the dinosaur was returned unharmed, calling it “A real happy ending. The first one we’ve had that didn’t require a car wash token.” They refused to elaborate on what that meant, exactly.
Jamie Lee Curtis, who lives nearby and posted about the theft, called the thief “not cool.” Coming from the woman who literally chased down Michael Myers for forty years, that’s basically a death sentence. Local police thanked Jamie Lee Curtis for raising awareness. They’re now hoping Sigourney Weaver will step in if the thief steals anything from the Exxon near Alien Avenue.
Brentwood residents gathered at the site to “pay their respects,” or as they call it in LA, “upload content.”. Locals now claim Claire’s brief disappearance “brought the community together,” which is the same thing people in LA say about wildfires and brunch.
Seems a bit cruel to keep her head covered – let her breathe! (NBCLA)
As of press time, LAPD had no suspects, though investigators are analyzing footage of a white pickup leaving the scene. The vehicle is believed to be the same one responsible for several prior crimes, including the theft of an animatronic gorilla from a car wash and the last good avocado in the city.
Sinclair officials reminded the public that dinosaurs have been the company’s mascot since the 1930s, which makes her the only thing in Los Angeles from that era that hasn’t had work done. Historians note Sinclair chose a dinosaur mascot because nothing says “eco-friendly” like marketing your gas with the corpses of its ancestors. Fun fact: Sinclair’s dinosaur is an Apatosaurus, not a Brontosaurus. Funner fact: nobody cares, because it’s gas station lawn art, not paleontology.
Detectives are confident they’ll identify the culprit soon, assuming the city doesn’t catch fire first or fall into the ocean. Sinclair management says they’re “monitoring the situation,” which is corporate for “we’ve learned nothing and we have no plans to change anything.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
