Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a tale that proves love may lift us up where we belong, but gravity still applies to your bank account, an 80-something woman from Japan’s Hokkaido region has been thoroughly Bowie’d by a con artist who claimed to be a stranded astronaut. The man said he was floating in a tin can, far above the world, and wouldn’t you know it, oxygen prices in orbit are murder right now.
Shortly before he took his protein pills and put his helmet on. (Pinterest)
He went by the name “Major Tom,” which should have raised at least one red flag, or possibly an entire color guard. After several charming exchanges (“Planet Earth is blue, and there’s nothing I can do, except Venmo me”), he informed her that his spaceship was “under alien attack and low on breathable air,” which is also somehow the plot of every Asylum movie released in the past decade.
The woman, who lives alone, found herself drawn in by his plight and his frequent messages that included lines like, “I’m floating in the most peculiar way,” and “This is Ground Control to Empty Wallet, your bank account is going through.” Then the romance spiraled into financial orbit when he requested about 1 million yen (roughly $6,700) to “cover his Uber back to Earth.”
Police issued a stern warning: “If someone says they’re an astronaut in crisis and demands cash online, you should be suspicious.” Which is good advice, though not as helpful as: “If someone says they’re an astronaut in crisis, maybe ask yourself why NASA is letting an 80-year-old Japanese widow handle their entire oxygen budget.”
NASA has declined to comment, but unofficial sources confirm that if anyone actually tries to send Venmo requests from orbit, their next spacewalk will be straight into the sun.
As for “Major Tom”? Police say he remains at large, probably still floating in his tin can, far above the world. Planet Earth is blue, and there’s nothing he can do – except slide into DMs and ask Grandma for gas money.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
