Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
CENTER POINT, Ala. — The residents of Fifth Place Northwest have long known their neighbor “Patty Machete” was a little… quirky. She wore gardening gloves year-round. She fertilized her petunias with a mysterious “proprietary blend.” And her three pitbulls, Sweetie, Chomper, and Habeas Corpus, were forever dragging home things that made the coroner go “hmmmmm?”.
Just bringing another "regular bone" home, Mom! (portosabbia/depositphotos)
On August 9th, police were called (again) when one of the dogs was seen strutting around Patty’s front yard carrying what looked like an oversized ham bone. Except the ham bone still had a wedding ring on it.
“It’s always something with Patty and those dogs,” said neighbor Carl Jenkins, whose Ring doorbell has captured the dogs returning with what he refers to as “various human-shaped bones” on multiple separate occasions. “First, it was a skull. Then a leg bone. Then another leg bone from the same guy. Now this. At some point, you gotta wonder if maybe the common denominator isn’t the dogs.”
Last year, a skull showed up in Patty’s yard, just like the Wilsons’ cat used to before it went missing. The coroner said it had a bullet hole “big as a pecan,” but the DNA didn’t match anyone. Which is strange, because in Alabama, family trees often don’t fork, and DNA partially matches pretty much everyone.
Four months later, Chomper trotted up with a tibia. Forensics matched it to the same victim, though Patty claimed she “couldn’t possibly know him,” despite a Polaroid of the man hanging on her fridge with “me and Greg, spring ’19” written on the back.
Patty has told reporters this latest bone discovery is the fourth time her dogs have “just happened to” find human remains. Authorities are skeptical, pointing to the fact that after each discovery, more bones are found in the exact wooded area where Patty has been seen jogging with a chainsaw.
So many bones down here, bro! (castenoid/depositphotos)
“I just want to assure everyone, this is a safe neighborhood,” Patty told the press, waving with a hand that appeared to have gardening soil under the nails and possibly blood. “Sometimes my dogs find things. Could be a coincidence. Could be the spirits are trying to reach me. Could be I’m an amateur anthropologist. Who can say?”
In the meantime, Sweetie, Chomper, and Habeas Corpus have been officially deputized by the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office as “Canine Archaeologists,” pending their fifth bone delivery, which, judging by history, should happen any day now.
This story is based on fully factual news, although we had to fill in the gaps from the original “article,” or haiku. Thankfully, we’re just here to make it funny.
