Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a shocking twist that rocked the foundation of every millennial’s nostalgic core, John Williams, the man responsible for more musical goosebumps than late 20th-century puberty, has finally admitted that film music? Eh. Not really his thing.
"Stevie-boy, you know the whole 'Jaws' theme – DUN DUN DUN DUN, that one, yeah – that was just my cat playing with my tuba." (Jean_Nelson/depositphotos)
That’s right. The guy who made Star Wars sound like the final boss fight of your imagination now says he never liked film scores much. “Film music isn’t there,” said Williams, while sitting in a gilded room made entirely of Oscars, Grammy statues, and the skulls of rival composers.
“I just think the music isn’t there,” he elaborated, as millions of sci-fi fans spontaneously developed abandonment issues. “It’s good for like, eight minutes. After that, it’s mostly just mood filler and timpani abuse.”
This revelation comes from an upcoming biography titled John Williams: A Composer’s Life, which now needs to be subtitled, “But Not a Particularly Enthusiastic One.” Biographer Tim Greiving says we shouldn’t take Williams too literally, which is also what Williams said when he composed The Imperial March and then ghosted the entire concept of musical enthusiasm.
“He’s not being modest,” said Greiving, “he genuinely thinks film music is functional.” Which is composer-speak for “I was in it for the paycheck and the free cheese cubes at premieres.”
Apparently, if Williams had a time machine, he’d go back and do a “cleaner job” of separating his film scores from his concert works. You know, because casually redefining an entire genre, winning five Oscars, and writing the music that plays in people’s heads when they pretend to use the Force… requires a “cleaner job” somehow.
Williams also famously dunked on his own Star Wars themes a decade ago, saying, “A lot of them aren’t very memorable.” Yes, that’s why your ringtone has been the Cantina Band for a decade and why you tear up when someone hums the first three notes of E.T.
But hey, at least now we know. It was all just a job. A gig. A slightly classier version of making hold music for the Death Star DMV.
Thanks, John. Next time, just tell us Beethoven faked it and Mr. Rogers was a turf war general.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
