Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TOPEKA, Kan. — A group of juniors at Seaman High School arrived at their Saturday night prom inside the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, a 27-foot fiberglass frankfurter that tours America, reminding citizens that advertising can sometimes completely lose the plot.
The idea reportedly originated at a Topeka Sonic, where junior Breckan Andrews and his friends spotted the hot-dog-shaped vehicle parked at a nearby Dillons. One friend suggested renting it. Andrews, operating on a principle that has historically gotten Kansas teenagers into far worse situations, suggested they simply approach the driver. Prom was the following evening.
Well, hot-diggity dog! (KSNT News/YouTube)
The driver in question was Maggie Dawson, an Oscar Mayer brand spokesperson whose official job title is “Hot Dogger,” a credential not recognized by the U.S. Department of Labor but fully recognized by everyone who hears it. Dawson said the request produced what she described as “a little light bulb,” which is corporate spokesperson for “we checked with legal, and somehow nobody said no.”
The company agreed to provide the ride free of charge. On Saturday, the group loaded into the Wienermobile from a friend’s driveway, surprised additional classmates who had not been warned, and proceeded to Townsite Ballroom downtown. No permits were required, as the vehicle is technically a passenger car and not, as one might reasonably assume, a crime against humanity.
“People take limos,” student Cooper Lietz told reporters. “This is basically just a big hot dog limo.” Lietz delivered the quote with the serene confidence of a teenager who has not yet realized this sentence will follow him onto every job interview, résumé, wedding toast, and federal security clearance interview he ever attempts.
Fellow passenger Nick Hill said he would be able to tell his children he rode the Wienermobile to prom, a promise that assumes his children will one day ask, and further assumes they will believe him and/or find it cool. Another student, Kaitlynn, observed that not many people get to ride a hot dog to prom, a statement that is technically accurate and also, upon brief reflection, mildly distressing. We refer you to the mom prom joke subhead for further clarification, if that went over your head.
The Wienermobile had been in Topeka for a NASCAR pre-race promotional appearance as part of a tour Oscar Mayer conducts annually. Dawson said hearing about prom reminded her of her own high school memories, which she was now able to enhance for others with what she called “the weenie magic of the big dog,” a phrase the reporter transcribed verbatim and then stared at for an uncomfortably long time. Uh huh huh “long.”
Andrews said he and his friends are already considering what might top the Wienermobile next year. Options under discussion reportedly include the Planters NUTmobile, the Peeps Mobile, and whatever horrifying vehicle-related PR stunt Jimmy Dean might be working on.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
