Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Malte Dünser of Austria set a new world record for “most balloons passed through someone’s nose and out the mouth in one minute.” He also presumably holds the world record for “number of children’s birthday parties someone has been asked to leave.”
Does this even need a caption? (malte.dummesaulol/instagram)
Dünser calls himself “King of the Freaks,” a job title he should consider keeping off dating apps. He broke the record by pulling a whopping ten uninflated balloons through his nose and out of his mouth in just sixty seconds. If you’ve ever tried to pull even just one uninflated balloon through two of your orifices, you know just how truly impressive this feat was.
The record was attempted by Dünser on a German television show because, if Germans love two things, it’s sticking objects in questionable places and inordinate numbers of balloons (specifically, ninety-nine red ones). Their usual tolerance for vulgarity made audience members’ reactions all the more significant. Spectators looked on in horror, with some even shielding their eyes, as Dünser worked his way through the world record. The whole spectacle was disturbing to common viewers and basically a snuff film to ENTs everywhere.
According to Dünser, each balloon was coated in oil to make it pass more easily, a tactic originally popularized by drug-smuggling cartels. However, with everything going on, it was admittedly hard to tell where the oil starts and the snot ends. Dünser explained that he tried out different types of balloons until he found a version that slid through him the easiest. It’s the type of experimentation that would likely trigger a close review of the return policy at Party City.
Known for his viral stunts, Dünser had already amassed a large following on social media. Regardless of what anyone thinks of his antics and shock-style entertainment, breaking this world record is nothing to sneeze at.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
For more tales that make you whisper “there’s no way” to an empty room, pay a curious little visit to OddNews.com.
