Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Even if you’re not terminally online, you’re more than likely aware of the story of Punch the monkey. The seven-month-old macaque monkey captured the heart of the internet when his mother rejected him the day after he was born at Japan’s Ichikawa City Zoo. Hand-raised by the zookeepers there instead, he was integrated with the rest of the monkeys, who bullied him, perhaps because they found out he had an Instagram account. The zookeepers gave him an orangutan stuffed animal from Ikea, which he bonded with, and the rest is recent viral internet history. This story, however, is not about that, but kind of the opposite.
"I couldn't possibly eat any more – I'm stuffed," says this Komodo Dragon, who isn't Mario. (Jakub Hałun/Creative Commons)
Over at Singapore’s zoo, there’s a Komodo Dragon named Mario. There are also other macaque monkeys involved, as well as stuffed animals. While the article doesn’t explain how, apparently, there was a sealed bag containing stuffed toys that the macaques at the zoo discovered. Maybe some zoo patron had Punch fever and thought throwing a bag of stuffies into the monkey enclosure would create another viral moment. It did, but not in a cute way. The monkeys found the bag, and Mandai Wildlife Reserve’s Heng Yirui says they decided to “take these toys and hurl them all over the place.”
That’s still potentially pretty cute, but instead of bonding with the two stuffed animals that landed in his enclosure, Mario did what any predator would do and ate them, since Komodo Dragons are ambush hunters. Any children who might have seen that will probably need help from a psychiatrist someday. Also requiring medical attention? Mario. While humans and komodo dragons usually vomit if they don’t like something they ingested (like, say, Jaegermeister for humans, or two stuffed animals for Mario), he hadn’t thrown up after 24 hours.
The veterinary team at Mandai first tried to get the toys out with a gastroscope, but could only pull out some threads. After an hour and a half, they used their hands. “Trust me, it is difficult to grab onto these toys with all your might,” Heng said. He was only able to pull out the first of the two, saying he was so fatigued from it that other staffers had to grab the second one. If you’re thinking it might look a little gross, reaching into a Komodo Dragon to pull a toy out of its stomach, you’re absolutely right. However, Mario didn’t require surgery, so he avoided getting hit with a huge medical bill and is back home at the zoo.
“I did what I did,” said Mario when contacted for comment by Odd News. “If that dumb monkey can get its own SNL ‘Weekend Update’ feature, I figured it was Mario’s time to shine. Hugging a stuffed animal is adorable and all, but eating two of them is AWESOME. And yeah, maybe I have a sore throat, but you would too if doctors had their arms down your gullet. Would I do it again? Maybe. I gotta check how many views I’ve got. I think this could be my big break. I mean, George R.R. Martin is never going to finish Game of Thrones, so it’s time for this dragon to fly, baby!”
They're draggin' the stuffed animals right outta his mouth. (mandaiwildlifereserve/instagram)
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
